How F-Zero X shows us the potential benefits of an alien invasion
F-Zero X (1998)
F-Zero X (1998)
If an alien invasion ever does occur, it’s probably safe to say that mankind would be truly buggered. I know that sounds defeatist, but think about it: if some species or collective entity out there has the ability to spacetravel here in great numbers, they pretty much have the whole fight wrapped up. What are we gonna do to defend ourselves? We can’t even unite to save ourselves from global warming.
We don’t know where the aliens are coming from, we don’t know what they want. They have far superior firepower and technology, and anyway our own global society is already so badly fragmented. And if we’re relying on our current world leaders to get us out of trouble? Forget about it.
Maybe we could try for some sort of peace treaty with the aliens? I don’t know if we have negotiators good enough to get a result from fire-breathing space monkeys, but maybe we could make some sort of concession? We’ll have to give them a continent, and all of its people too, to use as they see fit.
They’re not getting North America or Europe though, I’m afraid. We need those. And there are too many countries in Asia who will kick up rough if we try to use them as the makeweight. South America will probably join the enemy for a laugh. I doubt they’ll accept Antarctica, as it won’t exist anymore. And we’ve probably sold Africa out enough times over the years. I’m sorry, Australia, but your number is up.
But even if the space monkeys accepted a deal, and our best negotiators were spared from having their bums singed, our new neighbours are not going to be kept happy for long. Humans would no longer be top of the food chain. We’d be resigned to the same ranks as chickens and cattle. Did you ever see grim footage of little chicks and chickens getting ground up into fine paste by humongous steel deathtraps? Yeah, that’ll be us from now on.
Or perhaps mankind can break the habits of a lifetime, and try to integrate everyone peacefully? We could welcome the space monkeys, jelly monsters and Gonzos into our society. Give them what they want, and we can all try to live together as one cosmic Earthly faction, battling against the cataclysmic forces of the big, bad universe. How about that?
That’s probably just a load of wishful thinking, though, and the only thing we can be certain of is that tomorrow is uncertain. So on that fateful day, when the first stealth-camouflaged UFO pulls up just outside the White House, followed by a thousand more ships with enough lasers to melt the President, it’s time to say your prayers.
It makes me wonder how the universe of F-Zero can bring aliens, humans and God-knows-what together so harmoniously. I’m left at a loss by Nintendo. In F-Zero X for N64, they’ve constructed a whole sci-fi universe, with dozens of named characters and all kinds of different species of bizarre aliens. But instead of making them fight for galactic supremacy, Nintendo are making them race instead.
It seems like a missed opportunity. I mean, could you imagine a Nintendo-made Mass Effect clone, with Captain Falcon as the plasma rifle-toting badass hero? No? Well, either way, my old friend Shigsy decided to make a load of aliens race each other for no good reason. And they ain’t racing go-karts or even spec racers either – this is the evolution of Formula One.
Your typical F-Zero racing machine can weigh as much as 2300 kilograms, which probably isn’t too far off a Nimitz-class aircraft carrier. Don’t worry too much about the power to weight ratio however; the engine manufacturers who supply power units to F-Zero machines have managed to put together packages that are capable of accelerating from 0-600 KPH in 0.1 of a second.
Now hold on for a minute there, you crazy alien witchdoctors. Can you not be a bit more humane? Do you have no empathy? Do you really want to break all of your drivers’ necks? Because that’s what will happen. It’s little wonder that some of these F-Zero machines are being driven by literal T-Rexes, and hulking freaks with globes for pectorals.
The women drivers are almost as muscular as the men, and chestwise they’re no less endowed - and you better believe that the Batman-esque Black Shadow definitely doesn’t skip leg day. I love the artstyle in this game; the characters all look like something from an Iron Maiden album cover.
The fun doesn’t stop at 600 KPH, though. In F-Zero X, under the right circumstances and with enough disregard for conventional physics, you can blast along at 3,000 KPH – you might stay at that speed for one whole second, before your brains need to be peeled off the walls. Just how huge are these racetracks anyway?
Say what you like about motorsport not being much of a spectator sport, but I don’t understand the appeal of going to see an F-Zero race. Imagine shelling out all the money required to travel, not just to a different country but to a different planet altogether, and you still end up with a seat in Row Z.
Then you take your seat, and thirty blurs rush by at such an accelerated pace that your new and expensive F-Zero baseball cap flies off into the abyss, all the girls have to hold onto their skirts and the aliens next to you are vomiting a strange substance all over you.
Well, never mind being a spectator - we are here to participate. F-Zero X is a racing game that features a jaw-dropping 60 frames per second. Yes, it really is a Nintendo 64 title. No, this doesn’t come without sacrifice – in this case, to make 60 FPS they have had to shed almost all of the background graphics.
They really went for it, you know. You never saw fog and bits of track materialising into existence the way F-Zero X does it. Still, with 30 vehicles on track at once, all jostling for position, there’s no room for unnecessary trimmings like graphics – it’s time to balls to the wall, pedal to the metal and all that, in pursuit of death-defying glory.
Choose from any one of the thirty vehicles, give it some basic tuning, and pick a revolting colour for the chassis. Then go out and beat 29 other fools – and if you’re not fast enough to beat them on track, then just kill them. No, I mean it. Side swipe your opponents, Schumacher-on-Villeneuve style, and leave them a smouldering wreck in the middle of the anti-gravity road.
Go one better and take them out of the race before the first turn like Senna, if you prefer. Do it on a section with no walls, and you can even send them and their ship careening off into the abyss, where they die in a hellacious explosion. No F-Zero Grand Prix points for them.
You don’t even have to feel guilty about doing this either, because both the pilot and his/her/its/their machine will be back at the next race, happy as Larry, and you’ll escape any sort of punishment and bad press. They must have banned Twitter in the centuries between now and when F-Zero X takes place, I suppose.
Thrillingly, there’s even a DEATH RACE mode in the game, where you can hone your mass murdering skills on track and take revenge against some of your more bloodthirsty competitors. It’s addictive trying to do this in as quick a time as possible.
Special mention must also go to the X Cup, still a wonderful novelty. Simply put, it’s a set of six randomly generated courses, always different any time you play. A lot of them follow the same template, and some are even flat out boring. But still, what a wonderful way to keep the old longevity up.
And if you’re particularly lucky, and in keeping with our theme of intergalactic slaughter, you can even race on random tracks that kill every competitor in one tricky corner, including yourself. Now, if that ain’t fun, then I don’t know what is. You know, if F-Zero X is an accurate view of what the future is gonna be like, then I say: bring on the mad aliens.
9 February 2024