How the original Game Boy was unbreakable, unmistakable and unputdownable

Game Boy / Game Boy Color (1989 / 1998)

Game Boy / Game Boy Color (1989 / 1998)

I think we can all unanimous agree on what are the three hardest substances known to man. Forget about diamonds, adamantium, or even unobtanium – I’m talking moreso about the three bits of hardware that will never let you down. They could only be, in no particular order: a Nokia phone, an AK-47 assault rifle, and whatever they use to make Toyota cars.

First, the humble Nokia phones. I’m thinking of the old 3210 and 3310 here in particular, and now we really are going back a bit. One of my own early phones, the Nokia 5110, was no slouch either; when I accidentally dropped it, probably during a nerve-wracking game of Snake, it nearly smashed my foot into a thousand pieces.

It wasn’t a million years ago when my then-current phone was out of action, and I had no other phone to fall back on for a time other than an old Nokia. I only activated it for a laugh, initially, but lo and behold - it got me through the next several weeks.

Oh sure, my pals weren’t happy that they couldn’t use a proper app to text me anymore. It meant my incoming nudes had to be put on hold for a week - I don’t think. But is that longevity in a product, or what?

This Nokia had probably hit the floor a hundred times, and it was still soldiering on. I think the bloody thing even had a bit of charge left in it. And it didn’t start piddling and moaning at me about low battery after six short hours, either.

An old Blokia phone might be heavy to throw, and if you aim it well I think you actually could take someone out with a flung 5110. If you’re looking for properly reliable killing power though, it’s got to be the AK-47, favourite of the child soldier, and so good that it’s even gotten onto flags of insane countries and disputed territories.

Even the naming is nice and simple, something you can count on – the AK refers to it being an Automatic weapon, invented by a trigger-happy Soviet bloke called Kalashnikov, and it was finished in 1947. Talk about getting long lifespan out of your death weapons, eh? I’ve had knives that were no good after a year, and rat poison lasts no time at all before you have to replace it.

I’ve fired an AK-47 before, and it worked pretty well in those famously tricky conditions of an air-conditioned warehouse. I must say that part of me was slightly disappointed that the AK-47 I was given didn’t have the classic wood finish. I missed the shooting gallery targets by miles anyway, but still, I’d have liked to look the part.

Finally, the Toyota. God’s own cars, they can - and do - go forever. Probably the example I see most often of a bulletproof Toyota is the Corolla. I know a family who had three Corollas, dating back to the last millennium, and they still sailed through the car safety test every year, baldy tyres and all. One of them even found itself mere inches away from a raging fire, and the only harm that befell it was its bumper melting off a bit.

Having problems with your car is just the most annoying, biggest heartbreaker, sharpest threat to a nice, worry-free existence there is. When that engine light comes on, it’s an absolute windup.

This is why durable hardware is so valuable to me. I would buy a Toyota that looked like a literal pig on wheels if it guaranteed me no problems. If I took an AK-47 out with me, I could be confident that I’d never again mess up a drive-by shooting. I could even have the Nokia ringtone blaring out of the car.

You’d have thought these three bulletproof implements couldn’t be touched, but now, a fourth side to this triangle of durability emerges. Well actually, it’s not happening now. Rather, it’s been thirty-five years since this product was made and released on general sale.

I’m talking of course of the Game Boy, which doesn’t need any more introduction than that. Actually, perhaps it does, given the hardware is old enough to be President. Well, the Game Boy is unquestionably one of the most enduring pop-culture icons of the 1990s.

The Game Boy reached the hands of over 100 million kids and kids-at-heart worldwide, and it was popular enough to spawn several revisions, including a slightly more advanced version called the Game Boy Color.

My own Game Boy Color, which I carried everywhere with me as a child, took more than a few hefty whacks against the concrete ground, as I’d be outside playing Pokémon while the normal kids would be playing football. But little things like gravity and solid floors never stopped these handhelds from working.

Famously, a Game Boy took quite a whack from a bomb blast during the Gulf War - yet it lived to tell the tale, coming back a hero, a still-working hero at that. For years, this Game Boy was on display in the Nintendo Store in New York City, before being sent back to Nintendo’s US headquarters. Now that’s what you call portable, eh?

Now, let’s be real. I have to imagine that several parts of the Gulf War Game Boy, which now resembles a very burnt piece of toast, had to be replaced. But that’s just a technicality – think of it as replacing the windscreen your Toyota. It’s a creature comfort really, so long as the engine still starts.

You are guaranteed a system for life, then, with the Game Boy, and this may take Japan into the lead over Russia and Finland in our little reliability game. Might as well get some actual games running on our portable tank then, although I fear that things have aged just a tad here.

You see, the killing power of an AK47, that never loses its appeal. And there’s nothing about driving a Toyota that would make you think you’re missing out – it’s not like you’re on a pedal bike, out in the rain.

But the Game Boy has been seriously outclassed over the last 35 years, as you might expect. It’s a bit like that Nokia, you know – a radiation-green screen with black shapes swimming around on the screen was certainly impressive in the 90s. But we’ve evolved a bit beyond that now.

You’ll need to feed four AA-batteries into your Game Boy to get it up and running, and what you get back is a pretty dodgy display. You can forget about playing it in the dark as well, although this can be remedied through one of the many thousands of third party clip-on lamps and magnifying glasses that make your Game Boy look, well, a bit unfashionable – like sticking a leopard skin grip on your Kalashnikov.

Of course, the Game Boy was the absolute bizzo in the early 90s. Even if the games were in greyscale, or rather greenscale, you were still playing some top portable titles, including the zillion selling Tetris; absurd portable versions of Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat and Killer Instinct; a collection of Super Mario Lands and brilliant Wario Lands; in the latter days, Pokémon Red and Blue; and probably the best game on the system in Zelda: Link’s Awakening.

But it didn’t stop there. Not just the fun, but the early onset blindness - even 1998’s Game Boy Color didn’t include a backlight. There was a Game Boy Light in 1996, but guess what, only Japanese children were given the privilege of seeing their games; the rest of us were buggered whenever it got dark. Ridiculously, even the Game Boy Advance didn’t possess a backlight at first, so I can’t get too upset with the early Game Boys.

But with the Color days, things got even better – how about Pokémon Gold, Silver and Crystal? Pokémon Trading Card Game? Game and Watch Gallery? Dragon Quest? Ports of Donkey Kong Country? The Zelda Oracle games? Metal Gear Solid?

We really must give Pokémon a special mention, of course. That series gave this portable wonder a whole new lease of life, extending its lifespan way beyond what you might reasonably expect from a big old brick. And let’s not forget that international phenomenon Tetris - as incredible a pack-in title as it gets.

Even as its cartridge batteries die, and some of the internals start to corrode, the Game Boy shall live on for a very long time yet. There’s hardly much point in whipping one out today of course, people might look at you funny. But if you find yourself in tough conditions, pinned down, on the edge of survival, and all you’ve got is a stock of batteries, then the durable old Game Boy is your only man.

31 January 2025