How Golden Axe prepared me for thieves in the night

Golden Axe (1989)

Golden Axe (1989)

I’ve got a new favourite hobby to tell you about, though it probably doesn’t paint me in a very good light. You see, I’ve recently acquired security cameras at the front and back of the house, as well as one of those fancy Google Nest camera doorbells that bring us another step closer to 1984.

Well, it’s simply brilliant. From right there on your phone, while sitting on your behind, you are able to view the live-feed, or look back on recent history, and see exactly what’s been happening outside your door.

Ever felt paranoid that people were talking smack about you while waiting for you to answer the door? I know I have, but now, I need speculate no more - now I can hear the abuse for myself. Honestly, these cameras are a revelation, and I highly recommend installing a set if you can.

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Probably the best part of having a live-feed is that, finally, you know whether or not it’s safe to answer the door. I’ve said it before that generally, in this day and age, you should not answer the door unless you’re certain it’s your Amazon package, because it’s likely just going to cost you money.

Or even worse, it could cause you aggravation and hassle. It might be your dreadful neighbour wanting to moan at you for some perceived slight. Or it could be the TV licence inspector, coming by to try to sell you some old rope. But thanks to these cameras, you can take a quick look when the doorbell rings, clock their clipboard or hi-viz jacket, and leave them out in the rain while you stay put. What a time to be alive.

But oh golly, oh gosh, sometimes you can end up seeing too much. No, I don’t have any perverted sexual escapades to report to you yet - more’s the pity. But I do take keen interest in the stuff that gets shared in our local neighborhood watch WhatsApp group.

Neighborhood watches, eh? Those wild groups are a story for another day, but anyway, they’ve all got doorbell cams and surveillance cameras too, because they’re all nosy parkers just like me. Well, lately there’s been lots of footage taken in the wee hours of the morning, featuring chaps attempting to break into cars and peering in through house windows.

Oh gee, oh gosh, suddenly I don’t want to look at all this camera footage anymore. Ignorance truly is bliss. After all, if I catch one of those kleptomaniac chaps in the act, looking into our house and starting a break-in attempt, then what?

Well, the wife will be expecting me to run out and batter them, which is obviously not realistic. Actually, there is a tactic available to me - the Google doorbells are outfitted with a two-way speaker, meaning I could come on the air and give the thief a jolly good telling off, while he opens the car door with no resistance. Do you think that could work…?

But how good are little thieves like that in a fight, really? Every video you see of these little toerags, they all look the same: skinny frames, ratty features, and little bags on their backs. They remind me greatly of those classic little thieves from Golden Axe on Sega Mega Drive. You know, the ones who carried around the magic vials?

Anyone who played this game will remember the interludes between levels, where little thieves in blue and green would dash around your campfire, and you’d promptly beat up these squirelly looking men in a desperate attempt to win power-ups and improve your odds for the next platforming level.

It’s quite possible that I’m about 30 years behind the times on this - I usually am - but I reckon Golden Axe is one of those games that everyone out there remembers. We all remember scrambling to be first one to get to use the dwarf; the bizarre, quintessentially Sega sound effects when you hit people, or get knocked down yourself.

We all remember bringing your magic meter up to the max and roasting the entire screen with a badass dragon; smacking the little thieves who carried the magic potion refills; violently trying to kill the peasantry as they ran past, screaming; fighting with one another over who would get to ride the dragon, or the unfortunate looking little pink lizard thing.

Let’s not forget getting double-teamed by the two very large Uncle Phils wielding sledgehammers; squabbling with each other at the intermissions between stages and stealing each other’s meat and magic; the intimidation you felt when you make it far enough to fit the sword knight in full armour; merrily pottering off the side of the level into a bottomless put, before watching your enemies do the exact same thing.

These are all classic moments in early 90s gaming. You’re not gonna get much fun out of Golden Axe in this day and age though, I feel. The game is proper Stone Age stuff when you play it now. But I don’t remember anyone actually being able to beat Golden Axe. If you did have the powers of a gaming god and you managed this Herculean task, then you’d realise that you can get through this game in about 25 minutes.

Isn’t that funny? As a kid, you always look at these games as being a lot more sprawling and epic than that. You could put days into this game and never beat it; God knows I did.

Golden Axe doesn’t seem like a twenty-minuter, not when it had that wonderful, Conan the Barbarian, Red Sonja aesthetic. This always seemed like a proper grown-up game, something you didn’t really see promoted on the Super Nintendo.

So, I never did beat the villainous Death Adder and reclaim the hallowed Golden Axe. Which means I’m a pale imitation of a gamer, and surely my house is next on the hitlist to be stripped bare by withered junkies. Oh well, bum, that doesn’t sound so good.

It’s not yet too late for me though, because there’s another mode for me to try called The Duel: a one-on-one combat mode against various enemies in the game, where you try to survive as long as possible. Or, if you find a fellow old and grey player to play with, you can just fight each other. I’m sure they probably just ripped the whole idea from Double Dragon, but in a stunning show of hypocrisy, that sort of burglary is fine by me.

Here’s the thing though, I can’t get a win in The Duel either. Gulp. Whenever you get a Game Over, the game gives you a grade, but all I get from the Single Player and The Duel modes are failing grades.

I can admit it: even with 35 years of experience, I’m really not very good at Golden Axe at all. Personally, I blame the Sega Mega Drive’s controller. What can I do with three buttons, a dwarf, a bottle of magic and a giant turtle? Actually, that sounds like one hell of a medieval party. Pity it could never be captured on camera.

25 July 2025