Why Kirby's Dream Land is an amuse-bouche and little more
Kirby's Dream Land (1992)
Kirby's Dream Land (1992)
We all like a big feed of unhealthy food, don't we? Well, have you ever eaten so much junk food all at once that all of the grease begins to coagulate, and you actually have to clear your throat?
Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if that was just me, because I'm just gonna say it now: if I wasn't so bloody health-conscious, and such a strict adherer to my fitness regime, I honestly think I could defeat any food challenge you throw at me.
I suppose you want to know my credentials for making such a bold claim. After all, there's no shortage of 400lb behemoth men who would be only too happy to pull me up on that. Although, anyone au fait with the competitive eating scene will know that, curiously enough, it’s the little five-foot-nothing female eaters who can eat more than anybody - and never put on a single ounce.
If you’ve seen the film Snatch, you’ll surely remember Brick Top's body disposal soliloquy, "hence the expression, as greedy as a pig" and all that. Well, the learned Cockney villain postulates that, when you're trying to get rid of a cadaver, each pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute.
In truth, I can't quite match that pace, but one of my go-to restaurant meals as a young nipper was two half-pounder burgers, altogether making up a goddammed pound of meat. And let’s not forget the big sourdough bun, and bacon and cheese on top as standard.
Add in a bundle of chips and a swanky ketchup boat and I was happy as one of those pigs I mentioned, and almost as pink in the face when I finished. Little wonder I was a wee pudger back then, but that was a hundred years ago. These days… well, I'd like to tell you that I take enjoyment not from "eating food", which is for ordinary people, but by "indulging in fine cuisine."
Unfortunately that's not the case either, and I eat my food so fast that it's all over before I know it. That's why I don't cook, you see, because the return on my time investment is almost nil. This is also why the word "takeaway" is music to my ears. Isn't that the case for everyone?
My decadent eating didn't just descend to nicer restaurants, however. Going back to food challenges, I have completed the classic McDonald’s Eurosaver menu challenge with aplomb. I've eaten kebabs that weighed more than 2 kilos, which essentially means I could eat a whole baby, were it covered in dubious sauce, de-boned and wrapped in pitta bread.
I've tackled Wagon Wheel pizzas, 22 inches in circumference, although regrettably I'm too lacking in match fitness to assail the 26-inch Mega Wheel. I can do a full bag of Haribo jellies in one sitting. I even managed to eat prawns once without boaking, tails and all.
My point is that, culinarilly, I'm actually a pretty big deal and I don't accept second best. But I need to have a lot on my plate, too. You won’t catch me in any of those fancy restaurants, your Marco Pierre White efforts or whatever, unless the big man himself was there to throw me out.
I swerve these places because have you ever seen the "meals" they serve in Michelin Star restaurants? You just get 90% plate, and then in the middle, something ghastly like foie gras or the tightest cut (apologies, cutlet) of steak you've ever seen. You'll find it hard work ordering a pint of stout as well.
No, that type of thing won't do, especially at top-drawer prices. For me, it's about getting as much food on your plate as possible, which is why I tend to hold court in all-you-can-eat buffets instead.
But seriously, we have lots of cause to be thankful. In this day and age, there are still billions of people who don't have an abundance of food. I seem to get readers from all over the world, which I'm sure aren't IP spoofing bots, so you may not be one of those with plentiful food supplies - but if you do, you’d better eat as much as you can, while you can, because if you don't then your ancestors will hate you for it.
Speaking of ancestors, it's time we go back to one of history's great eaters. No, I ain't talking about Marlon Brando, André the Giant or even Fatty Arbuckle. I'm talking about Kirby, not to be mistaken for a Liverpool suburb, or anyone else you know with the surname Kirby.
The pink little puffball, or white as he was in Kirby's Dream Land for the monochromatic Game Boy, was actually based on a real person... sort of. No, It wasn't Chris Farley, but rather he was named for the lawyer who defended Nintendo against Universal Studios in the landmark Donkey Kong/King Kong case - and won. I bet Mr. Kirby ate well that night.
And what a legacy, because old Kirby, the pink Kirby that is, is still delighting women and children to this day. But we refined men, who eat in posh gastronomies, are a little bit beyond the wee man. He doesn’t really get the palate going, you know what I mean?
That's why there isn't a huge amount that one would find inspiring in Kirby's Dream Land today. It's a perfectly serviceable platforming game, don't get me wrong, and it definitely had a heyday. But it's just basic as all hell, primitive almost. And as it is now, there are a hundred better Kirby options to play, most of which aren’t great either, but at least they're in full colour.
Kirby's Dream Land 1 won't even give you the ability to copy the attacks of your enemies after get them in your belly, which means that you'll only be eating them for the sake of eating them. And whatever about sliding a greasy pound of beef down your gullet, at least that's an occasion, something you can plan an evening around. When you're just eating tons of calories out of boredom, for pure sakeage, then you're bang in trouble.
Apart from that, there's not much to get excited about with Kirby’s debut. There's no colour or nice graphics to look at, obviously, which is always a selling point of Kirby games even if there's nowt else on offer.
There are only five main levels to get through as well, and one always expects a Kirby game to be short, but you'll be completely done with this one in an hour or less. That'd be like eating sticks of celery at one of Gordon Ramsay's joints, paying full price and then leaving before the main event begins. This game is Michelin Star portions, but TV dinner quality.
For historical purposes, give Kirby's Dream Land a look at some point, where you'll find an exceedingly easy platformer with the same old tunes and areas that you've encountered in later, better games. You might actually find it charming and relaxing, in the same way that you sometimes go back to your old reliable greasy spoon cafés, even when you've got the means to eat out somewhere far nicer.
When you beat the game, you do unlock a slightly more difficult mode that might add another hour of gameplay. But who’d go to a restaurant for two hours and eat the same course twice? Honestly, I doubt anyone would have the stomach to play this one again.
1 December 2023