How the original Mega Man became the inexplicably popular long-runner
Mega Man (1987)
Mega Man (1987)
Why is it that some truly dreadful media gets so popular? I already know the answer is that there’s an awful lot of fools out there, waiting to lap up and consume anything they’re fed. How else could The Big Bang Theory get 12 seasons, plus spin-offs? And how many more seasons of Family Guy can there really be?
Just when we thought Keeping up with the Kardashians had finally ended… a new “retooled” show called The Kardashians came along. And that’s not gonna end anytime soon, either. It makes you wonder how abominable people, places and things become so popular.
I wish Irish televisual exports were immune from this, but somebody is gonna point out Mrs. Brown's Boys to me, so I’d better get my retaliation in first, By the sounds of it, that show is still winning more BAFTA awards than you could shake a latex pair of boobies at, and all for being a cruder, stupider Mrs. Doubtfire.
As you sit there in disbelief, somehow unlucky enough to be watching the latest Mrs. Brown special on Christmas night, you cannot help but think to yourself: is this what people go crazy for? Is there something I’m missing here? Why couldn’t I have been born a lot more ignorant, maybe then I would have been happier?
But it’s not just inexplicably popular television that’s been grinding my gears, either. How about literature? Well, that’d be a pretty generous word to describe the braindead Fifty Shades trilogy of erotica books. I know they’re not the centre of a media sensation anymore, but they sold bajillions and spawned a movie trilogy, making the author, E.L. James, very rich and famous indeed.
I’m a pretty sexy guy, you know, so I once checked those books out for myself. Don’t knock it ‘til you tried it, right? Perhaps I’ll give the series a proper review one day, which will be more work safe and Catholic than you can imagine. But suffice to say, I don’t think that Dostoevsky fella will be having any sleepless nights, if he weren’t long dead already.
But there you go. While you, I or someone else you know may have struggled desperately to get their life’s work published, it turns out that sloppy sex sells, and Fifty Shades went on to become a household name, or perhaps a punchline.
Then there’s Mega Man. No, he never wrote any erotica, although he did get a TV show back in the 90s. Well, whenever you’ve got a long running series (although the jury is out on whether Mega Man could be considered ‘running’ anymore), it’s inevitable that gamers will take notice, and want to check out the very first game in the series, to see where all the hype came from.
So that leads you take a gander at Mega Man 1 for the NES, where the problems begin even before you put the game in. You’ve probably seen the wretched cover art for yourself by now, but if you haven’t… obviously it’s quickest if you Google it, but I shall try to draw you a better picture than what the artist of the grim piece came out with.
It depicts a man sadly struck down with a neurological disorder, prancing around some ultra-cheap, futuristic landscape in a heavily creased blue-and-yellow Tron suit. He’s holding a silver pistol too, rather than his iconic Mega Buster arm-cannon. To say the least, the box art commits a little bit of a foo-foo on this iconic character’s design.
It looks like this unfortunate rendition of Mega Man may have accidentally discharged the pistol as well, given how the poor man has visibly soiled himself. All in all, he’s not even a teensy bit like the derpy little blue Mega Man sprite that you see in-game, itself inspired by the classic anime, Astro Boy. Who could have put their name to a piece of “art” like the Mega Man box?
Every time I look at it, I notice something new that had never made me nauseous before; this time, it’s the fact that Mega Man seems to be jumping from giant arse to giant arse. Last week, it was the fact that the game promised state-of-the-art technology and high resolution graphics.
State-of-the-art? You’ll have rarely played a platformer so glitchy, or quite so unforgiving as the first Mega Man. You might remember Sonic 1 let itself down by forgetting to make Sonic invulnerable to spikes immediately after he’s been hit. Well, Mega Man has the same problem here. And by God, are there a lot of spikes in this game for the little blue boy to stub his toe on.
There are only six Robot Masters in this game as well, which means that there are six different levels before you go and take on the game’s villain, Dr. Wily, across a series of 4 more levels. That’s a shame, though it’s not like subsequent Mega Man games increased the number all that much - we went from 6 Robot Masters to 8, and that was as far as Capcom ever went.
We’re onto Mega Man 11 now, in case you lost track. Yes, the series made it to PS4, Xbox One and Switch. And would you believe it, that game still possesses only eight levels, plus a few sundries at the end. Even E. L. James made the Fifty Shades books bigger and better as they went on, or so I’m led to believe.
Anyway, fights against the Robot Masters in Mega Man 1 are odd, like a lot of things in this game – those guys will mess you up in such a hurry that it’s not even funny. That is, unless you happen to possess the weapon that they’re weak to, in which case the joke is on the other foot.
There’s also a glitch that’s ever-present in the game, and using it is a near-must: you can stack damage against the enemy by quickly pausing and unpausing, letting them get electrocuted or frozen or burnt or cut up dozens of times in a split-second if you’re fast enough. Now that’s some Mega torture.
Even with that, Mega Man 1 is bloody hard, as hard as it is to avoid the Kardashians, or Twitter, so you’ll want to exploit every advantage you can get. But there really are all kinds of game design no-nos here.
As an example, there’s an item that you absolutely need to pick up before you pass the point of no return, otherwise you’re completely buggered. That’s compounded, naturally, by the fact that there’s no password or save feature of any kind, so to beat this game, you’ll need to do everything in one sitting.
Then there’s numerous collision errors, as I mentioned. A very uneven difficulty level all over the game. There’s not much length to it. For some reason, the game has an arcade-style points system that’s good for nothing, not even a high-score table. And crucially, the control is slippier than anything you might expect from later Mega Man games.
I suppose what this game did nail are the different themes and environments of each Robot Master level, with their varied, colourful graphics – there’s something so compelling and brilliant about something as simple as going to take down Fire Man or Ice Man. Not sure what Guts Man is, but he’s got a great level and character design too.
Then, there’s the real reason why we tolerate Mega Man: the typically great, catchy soundtrack. And we mustn’t forget the famous, addictive Mega Man gameplay loop of robbing the enemy of their weapons, and using them for yourself to beat up the next baddie.
I suppose there had to be something good about Mega Man 1 to warrant a sequel of some kind, or seven hundred of them as it turned out. But you probably needn’t bother with this one, because the near-immediate sequels, Mega Man 2 and 3, pretty much rendered the original game to be the old embarrassment it truly is. Mrs. Brown and your boys, take note.
14 June 2024