Pokémon You Simply Gotta Use (Part 5)
PART 5: Mr. Mime - Porygon
Pokémon You Simply Gotta Use (Part 5)
Now we’re getting into the fruitier, more alternative members of the Kanto Pokédex. I have to say though, apart from the Legendary Pokémon located at the back of the catalogue, you may find your options from now on becoming thin on the ground.
What I’m saying is, if you haven't already put your best six Kanto hardnuts together by this point, a team tough enough to take the region by storm and literally impress the knickers off Lorelei from the Elite Four, then you could be in trouble.
Still, that’s what I’m here to help you with, right? Me being your self-appointed Pokémon guru. If only you knew that my Pokémon teams tend to consist of the starter, the bird, the local rat and three Chatots.
Well, let’s sort our problems out together, shall we? The following list of Pokémon awaiting judgment and possible selection for your team takes us through the eons, quite literally in fact. This week's list features Magikarps, Magmars and mantises. And it's book-ended by a mime and a... dodecahedron. Only in Pokémon.
Mr. Mime
Well thank God - it’s Mr. Mime Time. Would you believe that there's an even split between male and female Mr. Mimes? And no, they’re not called Mrs. Mimes. Or even Mistress Mimes, but you can look for one of those on Instagram if you want. For some reason, it’s become very popular to hate mimes. Why’s do they catch so much hatred? I think they’re fairly interesting. Mimey here isn’t good at battling, of course, but he puts up a mean Barrier. Later, a Mr. Mime (this one actually named Mimey, for real) came to live with Ash’s mother, Delia Ketchum. I was just about to gain some respect for Daddy Mime, moving in on the lovely Delia, but what does he do? He starts helping out with the housework. I suppose your mother could bring home worse; how about that sinister looking Mr. Mime in the Detective Pikachu film? How many drugs did it take to come up with his uncanny design?!
Scyther
Scyther ends up reminding me of Onix, of all things, but not for any of the right reasons. Rather, it looks pretty fearsome, but gets blown to pieces by its poor type and worse moves. That’s a real pity for such a vicious looking creature – even little woodlice and ladybugs will be laughing at Scyther. Later, it did gain the very useful Technician ability, boosting its power. And, when all is said and done, it's still a massive praying mantis with two mean blades to do serious work with. Any schoolkid would be happy having this beast under their control. But then, it crucially and infamously lacks the ability to fly... and what good is a terrifying giant mantis with razor blades for arms if you can't fly around on it and saw the wings off of aeroplanes? I’m normally quite prejudiced against Bug-type Pokémon, but I will admit that Scyther was so close to achieving something. But don’t just take my word for it – I bet a million kids out there couldn’t wait to catch their own Scyther in the Safari Zone, only to be left heartbroken at how bad it was.
Jynx
Is comparing this thing to Nicki Minaj a bit of a dated reference by now? It doesn't exactly look like a high-rent Pokémon, that's for sure. And that's before we even get to the fact that having a blackface performer as a design for a Pokémon is just a little bit of a faux-pas. But at least Game Freak, or Nintendo or the Japanese Censorship Board (as if such a body exists) eventually did change Jynx’s face from black to purple. None of this really alters the fact that Jynx’s ‘Humanshape’ design is bloody creepy. We also have to mention the creepiness of its cry in the games, two mind-warping seconds of pure, ear-shattering static. At least it can give you a Lovely Kiss, before following up with a bitterly cold Ice Punch. Well, I can say that Jynx is nicer about turning you down than some of the women I've known.
Electabuzz
Score another victory for the Pokémon Red owners. Being honest, Electabuzz isn’t actually terrific in battle but he does at least have some varied moves like Psychic and Fire Punch. Later he gained not only a pre-evolution but a proper evolution, meaning he's now part of an evolutionary trio. Middle child syndrome? Maybe, but his cry in the anime series sounds like someone furiously motorboating a nice big pair, possibly even belonging to that same Jynx we just discussed. And believe me, that's all a Pokémon needs in their arsenal in order to get a pass here. Electabuzz’s prime is a long time passed now, I regret to say. Even its TCG incarnation, in the old Haymaker decks, was a force to be reckoned with. Pokédex lore tells us, however, that they’re often responsible for power-cuts and blackouts. And for a gamer, there’s nothing worse in the world than an inopportune power-cut. Try Electabuzz, but know that all of us electronics addicts will hate you for it.
Magmar
But it’s not all bad for Pokémon Blue owners, even if Fire types were never really that great in Generation I. Water-types are still going to eat Magmar for breakfast, so really, it’s best looking at what this fiery bro can do for you outside of battle: first of all, one of its Abilities halves the amount of time it takes for Pokémon Eggs to hatch, an important concern for tryhards who invest the thousands of hours necessary in producing the perfect or near-perfect Pokémon. I just use cheats. Because I’m dishonest? Or because I’m practical enough to save time? Also, seeing Magmar kick ass and take names for Blaine in the anime was incredible, until Charizard stepped forward and sorted the slag out. I still have to question that result, though. It seemed to me like Magmar took a dive. There's no way Magmar lost that one. No goddam way.
Pinsir
At least Scyther had an option to bail itself out with an evolution. Pinsir was poor starting off in RBY and has been dragged along through the Generations on its arse ever since, until it finally got a Mega Evolution. Too little, too late. It's a pity, because Pinsir looks a fierce contender otherwise. A proper evolution, some sort of horrible Human Centipede cross-jobby with Heracross perhaps, would have sorted it right out. Then it could guillotine your ghoulies off at a thousand paces. It took a hell of a long time for Bug Pokémon to get any good – you won’t be reading about them in these pieces for a long time, put it that way. Pinsir might be about the best Bug gets in Generation I, and it still gets squashed with ease. This is quite pathetic, because there are beetles out there so enormous that I wouldn’t stomp on them even with steel-capped wellington boots, considering all the pus and guts that would get everywhere. That’s why I recommend a Charizard Flamethrower instead, for your Pinsir-removing needs.
Tauros
Well, I would like this Pokémon wouldn't I, being a Taurus under the zodiac. And the horoscopes look good for Tauros: it’s always been a powerhouse in terms of stats, although it has slipped through the competitive tiers rapidly throughout the years. Still, Tauros is what you call a no-nonsense Pokémon. Even the name is no-frills, to say nothing of its design. It’s a Normal-type attacker that hits hard and fast with Body Slam, Return and Earthquake. A pity to see Tauros decline, but with its stats and moves, it can always conjure up a performance. He's a bit like that retiring old pro, who turns it on just one last time to send the fans home singing his name. Then it's away on home to bunk up with Miltank and produce lots of offspring that’ll one day go in your burger bun. That is, unless you're living in UK and Ireland. Then you’re lucky if it's not Ponyta burgers instead.
Gyarados
It was a pleasant surprise for all concerned when worthless little Magikarp turned into this behemoth. Known as the ‘Atrocious’ Pokémon, rest assured: this is not an indictment of its battling abilities. Rather, it's a succinct description of Gyarados' ability to raze cities in a matter of seconds. Actually, not that it matters, but the evolution from lowly Magikarp to the mighty Gyarados stems from a Chinese legend in which carps strong enough to swim upstream and leap over a waterfall through the ‘Dragon’s Gate’ would turn into a dragon. Funnily enough, Gyarados here is not a Dragon type, and never has been. Instead, it’s Water and Flying, for some odd reason, and this means any Electric attack blows it out of the sky, like a primitive, underdeveloped North Korean missile getting swatted down by a scarily accurate South Korean SAM Site. But Gyarados has the stats to overcome this deficiency. Plus, the Red Gyarados of the Lake of Rage was probably the first Shiny Pokémon most players saw, caught, and immediately added to their team. And it was probably the last Shiny Pokémon they caught, as well.
Lapras
Another piece of hell on earth, Lapras has terrific stats bar its speed, and overall it’s a bulky devil with hard-hitting Ice moves. Taking a look at Smogon, where Pokémon really is serious business, it seems that since Diamond and Pearl, Lapras’s stock has fallen considerably. Probably for the best, because I’ve always hated going up against this thing. You come up against a Lapras and they just revel in either freezing you or paralysing you via Body Slam, parafusing you with Confuse Ray and healing with Rest. Ash temporarily had one as well, for transportation use during his quest around the Orange Island Archipelago. Remember that? Why haven’t those islands been in the games? The answer is simple: because then you'd have to include that wet wipe Tracey as well. We're all out there battling Pokémon for our lives, and this dolt is off drawing them. What good is that for the war effort?!
Ditto
Notable for being able to Transform into the opponent, only to do little else beyond that. Even the design is just a messy blob of goo. Transforming into your opponent gives you their moves (except with only 5 PP each, so you lose) and also all of the opponent’s stats bar HP, which Ditto keeps (so you lose again). You now have no surprises or tricks whatsoever to play on the opponent, so you’ve just about lost this “mirror match” already. So Ditto is no good at all for battling. Buuuut, from Gen II onwards, it’s become invaluable for breeding purposes. Suddenly, Ditto became the most desirable Pokémon in the world, and not always for salacious purposes. Want to mass-produce incestuous copies of your high IV starter? Ditto is your main...blob. Or you could clone yourself and cause murder, before blaming it on Ditto. Let the pile of goo see the electric chair, while you continue gallivanting. Sounds peachy.
Vaporeon
The water variant of what’s been dubbed the Eeveelutions. The Eeveelutions all have the same base stat total, but the stats are dispersed differently. For Vaporeon, the numbers were pumped into its HP, Special Attack and Special Defence stats, giving it bulk - it's more menacing than it looks. It’ll struggle to establish itself next to Blastoise and Lapras admittedly, and life just gets tougher for Vaporeon as we go down the Generations. But I reckon Vaporeon would be like that person who never pipes up, and to whom other people never really speak. But then one day you strike up a conversation with them and it’s like, “here have you been all my life?” An introvert, in other words, struggling to be heard over a powerful Octazooka from an extraverted Octillery. Pick it for your team, if you’re one of those wonderful extraverts who takes introverts under their wings. But there's never a point in just having one Eeveelution, is there? Why not make a whole team of them instead? Or six Jolteons, just pick six Jolteons.
Jolteon
Jolteon relies on its Speed first and foremost, and it paralyses you like the dickens. But where I think Jolteon wins out over its foxy cousins (sorry, that doesn't sound right. Doggy cousins...?) is that it's spiky. That's it really. It's spikier, so it looks a lot cooler, a lot more menacing. I don't care if Espeon is a psychic puppy, Umbreon is a dark doggy, or Leafeon is a leery lurcher. Jolteon looks like the daddy of them all. Just be careful when you take it on walks; you know that doggies like to sniff around each other, suss each other out a bit. If you’re not keeping a watchful eye, Jolteon might paralyse your pretty neighbour’s poodle, her dog-walking business will be over before it started, and she’ll set the local vigilantes and white knights on you. And Jolteon is strong and capable, but it can’t take on all the neighbourhood nutters by itself.
Flareon
Every litter must have a runt, and unfortunately, the runt of the Eeveelutions has always been Flareon. Pretty infamously, Flareon has a mega high attack, but even now, it hasn't got the adequate moves to use this with. Well, I say 'even now', but I haven't used one since probably the turn of the century, and indeed most of my knowledge of competitive Pokémon battling comes from Pokémon Red/Blue/Yellow, which wasn't competitive at all. Alls I can say is, Flareon is a fiery foxhound that still doesn't look like Jolteon, and that's where it lets itself down the most. Flareon won’t find its home on the battlefield, unless you mean sitting on the sidelines and barking at the bigger boys, knowing it’s absolutely safe from any reprisal. Another good potential use for Flareon, though it doesn’t help much for battle, is its warm, furry coat. Can you imagine how cosy it’d be to have a Flareon cuddle up on your lap on a cold night?
Porygon
What on earth is this pile of angles? Actually, Porygon has quite a few notable aspects. Firstly, back in the old days there was only one way of getting it: saving up 9999 Coins at the Game Corner. That was the Red price anyway; Blue players got a hefty 4000 coin discount. Talk about your false economies. If you did well enough on the rigged slots, you could finally purchase Porygon. But it turns out to be a pile of rubbish, despite some interesting moves. It later gained not one but two evolutions, and became a viable choice. But foolhardy players trying to get use out of Porygon in the Gen I days might as well have been picking their bums clean, because this thing is useless in battle. The second and even more depressing reason that Porygon is well-known is due to an early, banned episode of the anime. In this episode, titled 'Electric Soldier Porygon', Ash and pals literally enter cyberspace to sort out a computer virus. Well, assisted by a Porygon, Ash and friends defeat the virus and try to evade the vaccine, which is firing missiles everywhere. This particular Porygon, who is bloody fat and dead slow, starts tiring out and nearly comes a cropper. Pikachu steps in to destroy incoming projectiles with an electric attack, causing blue and red flickering lights everywhere. This light show triggered seizures, vomiting and nausea in nearly 700 Japanese children. And that’s why you don’t see much of Porygon these days.
To Be Continued!