Super Smash Bros. Bar Brawl (Part 1)

Mario, Donkey Kong, Link, Samus, Yoshi, Kirby, Fox, Pikachu

Super Smash Bros. Bar Brawl (Part 1)

They say you shouldn't believe in tiers in the Smash Bros games, but let’s face it – they exist. Some characters just do better in a fight than others. Why else would Fox be the big dog on Final Destination, with not a single item to be seen? And if you haven’t got a clue what I’m talking about, then you’re obviously not up on your competitive Smash Bros.

And I wouldn’t blame you, because it’s some pretty cut-throat, in-depth stuff, and all of that competitive gamnig stuff frightens me, it really does. I’m not at all interested in how well Dankey Kang does against Metal Knight on the Pokeymon Stadium level.

No, I’d much prefer to rate the characters in more practical terms, by assessing how they’d do in a real-life fight. In particular: how would they do in the classic throwdown, the great leveller, that is the bar brawl? You know the ones I mean: a few snide comments have been made, a couple of punches are thrown, glasses start to fly and suddenly there’s Begbie steaming in.

Not that it actually matters, since this list is a little bit flippant, but we’ll only be judging the characters by the movesets they come with in the Smash Bros games, rather than the insanity and madness they can get up to in their actual games. One of the other rules is that we won't be considering the use of their overwhelmingly powerful Final Smash moves. Although obviously, it won't take me long to break both of these rules.

You’re not an innocent bystander or fly-on-the-wall in all this, however. We’ll be looking specifically at how your chances are of getting out with your face intact, if you’re being backed up by these fighters after having accompanied them for a few light ales of an evening. Naturally, your own poor fighting ability is not going to be considered here. And so, without further ado...

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1. MARIO

The original Smasher, the standard that every other character in the game is based off. That makes him Mr. Average, right? Not quite, actually. The first and foremost thing to know about Mario, in terms of bar scraps, is that he likes to wield fire. He may only throw out little fireballs, but if one of them should spark the more dubious spirits and whiskeys above the bar, then the whole place will be ablaze. And this is kind of bad for you both, because that fire is gonna spread quickly, and you’ll probably both be swallowed up in the mad dash for the exit that ensues. That’s a bit of a negative point for Mario, but if you can dissuade him from using his fiery gifts, he’s a competent enough partner. He can kick, punch, reflect thrown beer bottles with his cape… He can even bring out the obnoxious FLUDD device from Super Mario Sunshine, which would see great use as an anti-malcontent water cannon. You can do a lot worse than Mario alongside you in combat. He may, however, just use his immense jumping ability to skip past the bottom feeders and exit stage left. He’s not as nice as he appears.

2. DONKEY KONG

Seems like a useful companion to have – he’s got immense power, and if gorillas are anything like dogs, they’re probably fairly loyal, right? Wrong. Dead, dead wrong. Donkey Kong will immediately betray you, as apes tend to do to humans - you will have seen the films. He’ll then fend for himself and punch his way through the bar, leaving you for dead. Not so bad actually, since it means you might just have a clear run to the exit. Who wants to be a hero anyway?. But DK is just as likely to go berserk at the first sign of trouble and start giving you monkey headbutts instead. If you could somehow coax him into picking up your limp body and carrying it on his shoulder across the bar floor, like he does with Little Mac in Punch-Out Wii, then maybe you could find yourself indebted to Donkey Kong.

3. LINK 

Going out on the pull with the adult form of Link always ends up being a bit of a double-edged sword, and that's a pun well intended. Almost immediately, all of the best looking girls in the bar will be throwing appraising looks in your direction, but they sure won’t be at you. From his flowing golden locks, to his Peter Pan-esque tunic to his lengthy blade, he’s never short on attention. He’s got that strong, silent thing going on as well. But then when some of the more extroverted women come over and strike the first blow, they find that this strapping pointy-eared man is incapable of any speech beyond throaty grunts and yells. Bad news for the girls – but good news for you in a bar fight, because a few intimidating war cries go a long way when the punches start flying. Not to mention his legendary Master Sword, an arsenal of Bombs, a Bow & Arrows, a Hookshot to carry you both out, or maybe even his Paraglider, Link’s got it all. And he won’t once complain about carrying your sorry ass through it all – because he literally can’t. A top choice.

4. SAMUS

A lady like Samus is certainly used to attracting looks – and that’s the truth even when she’s comfy in her almighty Power Suit. People will have been giggling at you, sat in the corner with some sort of red and yellow Robocop. They’ll wonder why this Iron Woman has massive shoulderpads, and why she keeps turning into a ball and rolling un-self-consciously into the ladies room every so often. Whatever about all that, when the bar fight starts, Samus will already be about 5 steps ahead of everyone else. Dashing and strafing about, freezing oncoming foes with the Ice Beam, then frying them with the Plasma Beam, firing off Seeker Missiles and then Space Jumping and Screw Attacking outta there. It’s just a pity there are no Smash Balls about, because her all-powerful Zero Laser would be just the ticket to get rid of the array of violent assailants.

5. YOSHI

Actually not a bad bet to have by your side, if even for his sheer versatility. First of all, if you prefer to forego the formalities of getting your head bounced off the bar counter in a desperate bid to fight back, you can simply hop on Yoshi’s back and take a ride out of the place. Yoshi can move at a fair old clip, he can jump high enough and he can even flutter in the air to keep away from all of the malfeasance taking place on ground level. He’s not exactly durable though, and if you’re on Yoshi’s back and he takes a hit, there may be a chance that you’ll become enveloped in a bubble and drift away, crying like a crazed baby. It sounds unlikely, but believe me, there’s a chance. Offensively, he has a range of moves: throwing eggs, turning himself into an egg, turning others into eggs… it’s all eggs with this guy. But the question is there to be asked: is there anything worse, anything more aggravating in the world, than being egged? With his eggplay, Yoshi has a good chance of seriously ticking off the biggest, burliest bruisers in the pub, which could spell your collective doom. If I was out on the town with Yoshi, I’d take my chances at trying to flutter towards the nearest exit, if I were you.

6. KIRBY

Well, we know that Kirby’s main selling point is his fantastic ability to inhale foes, copy their abilities and unceremoniously spit them right back out in a ball of marshmallow saliva. Useful when you’re up against your Mewtwos and your Captain Falcons and your Olimars, not so hot against your hard-nuts, your bruisers and your nutters. Add to that Kirby’s skin, which I believe to be some sort of marshmallow and latex balloon mixture, is hardly going to stand up to punishment. Another of Kirby’s greatest tricks is to puff himself up into some class of balloon and puff his way through the air, above everybody else. The problem? All it would take is one sharp object to be thrown at him, and Kirby would go puffing about the place like a burst balloon, leaving you standing in the middle of it all looking silly. His hammer and ability to turn into a giant stone might score some points, but there’s not much else beyond that.

7. FOX 

Smash Balls aren’t being considered for this list, and anyway they don’t tend to be commonplace in bars. Even if they were, you could hit the bugger a hundred times only for some other undeserving pilchard to get that vital last hit. And even if you did get the Smash Ball, the weakest bloke in the pub is capable of knocking it out of you with just a light tap, just like the Smash Bros AI – you know what I’m talking about. All of this is a pity, since calling in a massive, structurally-unsound tank would be quite a help in a desperate situation, like the one you find yourself in. But you needn’t worry, because Fox has enough tricks to make tanks almost unnecessary. He’s got a laser blaster, a reflector to repel broken bottles, he can move and kick like the wind, and he can launch both of you to safety in a blast of fire. He’s gallant too, so you know he won’t leave you behind – after all, he even had a genuine opportunity to write Slippy Toad off as an ‘unavoidable casualty’, and neglected to do so. That’s the kind of man… er, fox, you need alongside you. He probably won’t even be drunk either, preferring to drink tea. Snap him up.

8. PIKACHU

You remember how Ash’s little Pikachu in the anime was damn near unbeatable? It’d be handy if you brought that one out with you. But generally, Pikachu has one of the worst Defence stats around, so don’t expect your run-of-the-mill Pikachu to do you many favours in the middle of a bar brawl. Yes, it has great command of lightning attacks, but since Thunder in the Smash Bros. games can’t even penetrate a thin platform, what makes you think it’ll break through a lead-reinforced, asbestos-ridden pub roof? You’re left with his annoying little shocks and Skull Bashes, which ain’t much help either. There’s nothing more irritating than getting wee electric shocks, and this treacherous little ferret is gonna be throwing electricity out willy-nilly, so you’re probably ripe for a few shocks yourself. About the most Pikachu will do for you is to irk the tougher lads in the bar, who will be very angry indeed at the constant electric shocks your buddy is dishing out. Drown the rat before he gets you killed.

To Be Continued!