Why Tetris 99 is like a hot date in sexy underwear
Tetris 99 (2019)
Tetris 99 (2019)
The rumours are true - I don’t know how to satisfy a woman. But I actually know something most don't: as it turns out, there’s no way to keep a woman happy, because they'll always fall victim to at least one side of the female triangle - they are either hungry, tired, cold, or in the most ghastly of cases, they are all three.
Through hard-work and perseverance, you can close off two sides, but nailing all three? Forget it. Trust me, this is a triangle that'll leave you in more pain than a Toblerone that's been in the fridge for days.
You might bring her to a cosy restaurant, dealing with her hunger and coldness in one stroke, but then she’ll immediately become tired. On another day, she’ll overcome her tiredness for maybe an hour or two around teatime, but hunger and coldness are never too far away. Even in a warm bed and as the little spoon, she may still have lingering cold. And then you’ll get woken up by her tummy rumbling.
But it doesn’t end there. When it comes to bra shopping, women are trapped by the triangle again - the bra’s got to be comfortable, look good and be the right price, but you’ll simply never get all three of these conditions satisfied.
I hate to liken all women to trigonometry like this, mainly because I was absolutely hopeless at the subject in school. But I am apparently a qualified sociologist, so I get to make these observations on society and you get to shut up and listen.
I'm telling this to men out there because one day, suddenly and without warning, you will find yourself being ushered into Victoria's Secret and having to pick out what looks good on your missus.
What you find sexy and she finds sexy might end up at odds somewhat, you pervert, but only she can determine what's comfortable enough for her. With comfort and aesthetics decided, the only factor left is the cost. Can you work out which side of the triangle you'll be losing out on here?
As you quiveringly hand your card over to the attractive shop assistant, your heart is already beating like mad and your sweat glands are working overtime, and that's even before you've seen the knickers on her. But it wouldn't do to get too excited too soon. You'd better calm yourself down and distract yourself with something else.
So how about a nice little game of Tetris? Or, since you're a proper man now, you could take a whirl of the online Tetris battle royale, Tetris 99 for the Nintendo Switch.
A Tetris battle royale, eh. How on earth could that even work? Well, before we get into it, if you're having difficulty wrapping your head around the concept, then you're best off thinking of this game as Tetris except with sexy knickers on.
You'd think the game of Tetris couldn't possibly have any more tricks up its sleeve and that you're fully acquainted with it by now. But then suddenly, it gets the stockings and suspenders on, something to really get your heart pumping like it hasn't for some time. Then, when you see it sprawled out before you, you're stunned into silence. And if don’t think that a Tetris game could provoke such a physical reaction in you, then you haven’t played Tetris 99.
At the beginning of every online game, a message pops up to say its "matching" you with other players. I think the game and I may disagree fundamentally on the meaning of "match" though, because if you pick a bad time of day, you'll know all about it. On the final leaderboard rankings, you'll find yourself having been trashed by バダス and マザーファッカー, both level 50 while you're at level 4. So really, what chance did you ever have?
I'm all about the tunes in Tetris 99 as well, with every game starting off with a proper Eurodance version of the classic Kalinka Tetris tune, until the first 49 patsies get knocked out. When there's fifty of you left, the tune gets faster and more urgent. If you can get to that hallowed last 10 though, suddenly the tune switches to that old classic, Flight of the Bumblebee - the universal theme of panic and disorder.
Suddenly your heart's bating like a jackhammer, and there's no stopping for breath now. Not until you win, or you bottle it and make that ugly misdrop that you'll never recover from. Or, far more likely, you get swamped by an absolute avalanche of junk pieces from an opposition pro player.
This is the online Tetris battlefield, after all, so it's every player for themselves in that last 10, no amateurs allowed. Like any battle royale, you need firepower for the last few moments, and you get firepower by scoring KOs against other fools in the earlier stages of the game.
You can make their lives a misery by manually targeting them, or selecting a more general attack plan, like goal-hanging to try and be the last one to touch a player just before they lose. You'd better get your strategy right though, because if you go too aggressive you might get blown away. But then, what strategy do you really need? All said and done, this is still Tetris, just on a larger scale and with more competition to deal with.
I'm convinced that it's pretty luck-based anyway - sometimes you can get absolutely roasted by the opposition and be spat out at number 60, while other times you can just play your normal, average speed game and cruise to at least the top 20 without much hassle.
Of course, the top players will win consistently, but I'm certainly not a top player - I still have no idea what a T-Spin is, only that it sounds dangerous and it could end up spilling everywhere. I'm forever falling victim to one of the classic Tetris blunders as well - getting a bad piece, and trying to sub in my Hold piece instead, only to realise that they're both the exact same.
I'll take this moment to recognise that the Hold function was a beautiful addition to Tetris. With the press of a button, you can save your current piece for later use. You have to be careful when adding any new feature to Tetris, you know; it must be the most classic, sacrosanct formula in all of gaming.
The game of Tetris is beautiful in its simplicity, but if you start giving it bells and whistles, you'll only cause trouble. But I for one am a huge fan of the Hold function. It doesn't help me one bit in the dying stages of Tetris 99, of course. But you'll feel like the most powerful entity in the world when you've got a line block waiting in there, before you call it into play, slam it home and get that crucial Tetris.
Tetris 99 is free to everyone who ponies up money for the Nintendo Switch Online service. And to the several million Tetris fans in the world, this game will make having a subscription completely worth it, because let's face it, Smash Ultimate's online netcode won't. This does means that there's no chance of you winning a game now, because all the casuals have already been bullied off - it's only us serious business chaps left.
I’ll give you some advice though, and I speak to you as a man with a whopping two Tetris 99 wins: try to find that neat little time window between the American pros winding down for the evening, and the Japanese coming online and trashing noobs with their morning sake, and maybe you'll do well. Us Europeans just aren’t much good at Tetris.
You can grab a physical copy of this game as well, or you can stick to digital only and pay up for a bit of DLC that will give you the Marathon mode and all those other nice Tetris modes. You probably have access to Tetris in a million different ways though, so as far as I’m concerned, just stick to the battle royale mode.
Tetris 99 may end up frustrating you more than it gets you excited, and sometimes you'll wonder what all the fuss is even about. But then you'll go without it for a while, before it drops back into your head, perhaps while you're at work. And then suddenly you can't wait until later that night, when she's laid out in front of you, G-string and red lipstick on, ready for you to have another go.
12 July 2024