The Mega Man Bachelors (Bonus)
Well, would you believe it? We’re all out of mainline Mega Man games, but that doesn’t mean we’re out of eligible bachelors, oh no. And actually, we’re only out of men temporarily, until Mega Man: Dual Override comes out. Yeah, it’s typical, isn’t it? No sooner do I start writing these pieces, thinking there’s an end in sight, than Capcom come together to deliberately spite me with a new release. Mega Man fans, you’re very welcome.
Before that game comes out, though, let’s look at the Robot Masters of that vastly underrated, strange sort of Mega Man 8.5 of a game - Mega Man & Bass. Plus a few others to round off the whole set of bachelors. Now, you are going to be scraping the bottom of the barrel with the men here, I suspect. But if you do prefer to pursue the life of a single cat lady after all of this - and I would have the greatest respect for you if you did - then at least nobody can say you didn’t try very hard. You’ve looked through over 80 of these fools, so you might as well look at 8 more. I truly hope you’ve enjoyed my efforts to set you up with a romantic robot man.
Dynamo Man (KGN. 001)
Seasoned Mega Man pros should feel free to correct me, but I believe Mega Man & Bass’s Dynamo Man is the only Robot Master able to regenerate his health, all by himself. He’s just that full of power and electricity, and while this makes him very annoying to face in the game, in real-life terms this makes me think of Dynamo Man as a sort of living powerbank. This makes him a utility man, and useful men like these always play well with you ladies. Right? Just think of the amount of plugs and chargers you require on a daily basis, and how Dynamo Man here will be able to make all your USB woes go away; phones, laptops, tablets, hairdryers, hair straighteners, e-readers and more. You’ll always be connected, thanks to the literal power of Dynamo Man. It helps that he’s cute, too.
Verdict: PASS
Cold Man (KGN. 002)
Even I’ve lost track of the amount of different ice-based Robot Masters we’ve looked at by now. Almost strange that it took so long to get to a guy simply called Cold Man, though it kind of underscores his dull personality and design quite well. Dull isn’t necessarily a bad thing though; if you’ve had a hectic string of relationships, dull may be just what you’re after. He’s not going to be very warm emotionally, though. The clue is sort of in the name. Again, that may not be too bad either. If you’ve previously opened your heart up, only to have it downtrodden and destroyed, a more unfeeling man may be just what you’re after. I’m not so into the ice queens myself, but of what relevance is that?
Verdict: JURY’S OUT
Ground Man (KGN. 003)
Boy howdy, I thought Drill Man was violently invasive enough. Ground Man just makes me want to wince. He’s got so many drill bits covering his body, it’s almost like an infestation. You won’t want to get too close to him… though this isn’t particularly feasible anyway, since he spends 95% of his time underground. I don’t know what he does while he’s down there, probably destroys the foundations of buildings and causes earthquakes. That’s all you need isn’t it? You bring Ground Man home for the first time and he immediately dives underground and razes your house. Then, with one swipe, he gives you a frontal lobotomy and some fillings in your teeth for good measure. Then he spills quicksand everywhere.
Verdict: REJECT
Pirate Man (KGN. 004)
Arrgh, with any luck, he won’t be drivin’ ye nuts. You’ll probably want to walk the plank if I make some sideways reference to him plundering your booty, though, so let’s move on. I think you’ll have to be ready for full commitment, properly lifelong, if you’re gonna pick Pirate Man. Many an ould yarn has been spun about the old sea captain sailing the world, while his love waits for his return, for a hundred years or more. You’re either going to have to go very long-distance with a man whose true love is the sea. Or, you can get on that boat with him and be by his side for life. Which sounds even more romantic, until the crewmates start a mutiny, you all get scurvy and your boat eventually gets taken over by some bigger boys. Or taken over by some bigger supernatural phenomenon, even - you saw what happened to the Obra Dinn. Forget it.
Verdict: REJECT
Burner Man (KGN. 005)
Good heavens, no. I would have warmed to Burner Man, quite literally, if he was some sort of jolly robot who was a barbecue in a former life. We all like going to a BBQ and sitting around the grill, don't we? As we watch the master griller in action, throwing us burgers and hot-dogs and skewers. But no, get this - Burner Man was expressly designed to destroy nature. In his dating profile, he even lists ‘global warming’ as his favourite thing in the whole wide world. This is the guy that's been causing all the forest fires you hear about, destroying property and tourism and causing billions in damages worldwide. I know he cannot help what he was designed for, but just look at him - Burner Man is clearly insane, your classic pyromaniac. One of these may have lived on your street, before hopefully being restrained and put into a young offenders' home. Keep away from this man at all costs, if you value your life and property.
Verdict: REJECT
Magic Man (KGN. 006)
Here's a definite hit with the ladies. I can tell you that any single man out there in pursuit of a woman has researched and tried all kinds of things as a way to break the ice. People out there actually use ridiculous chat-up lines, I'm sure you've heard them. Some go straight for the jugular with pictures of their appendage, probably not for your eyes only. Yours truly has even tried to use flirtatious body language, for God's sake. But we've all missed a trick, a magic trick at that - 99% of ladies go crazy for a good magic trick. Yes, I'm going to declare that as scientific fact. And Magic Man might just be the best illusionist and trickster of them all. Picture a slightly less loud-mouthed Penn Jillette, and that's Magic Man. You'll never be able to catch him lying or hide anything from him, just be sure to keep that in mind. But apart from that, he'll show you a magical future, and make all your worries and fears disappear.
Verdict: PASS - HOTTEST BACHELOR!
Proto Man (DLN-000)
I’m not too clever on the whole lore of the Mega Man games, as if you couldn’t already tell. Well, it seems that Proto Man is Mega Man’s brother, possibly in a similar vein to Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito in that movie Twins. Think about it: Mega Man is a cute little boy, while Proto Man is all rad and cool. OK, maybe it’s not like Twins. But the fact remains that Proto Man oozes cool. He’s got a mystique, an aura. He’s got his awesome shades, an overpowered shield, and a big, bodacious bouffant of hair hidden beneath that helmet. Since we’ve been talking about Mega Man & Bass, I’ll have to knock a couple of points off him here for getting completely owned, cut in half actually, in that particular game. But he came back in later games, finally becoming playable. He’s a bit retro and 90s, but even if that doesn’t sound very intriguing to you, I bet your eyes and ears will perk up when he lets out his iconic whistle and drops in on you.
Verdict: PASS
Mega Man (DLN-001)
Well, we couldn't end this series without examining the man at the centre of it all, now could we? Having saved the world, oh, umpteen times, I think it's only fair that Mega Man gets to settle down and find a beautiful woman to live out the rest of his robotic days with. But that's all I can really say to gas up Mega Man, because ultimately, in spite of his name, he seems to still be a child. He was heavily based on Astro Boy, I suppose, so that'll be where it all came from. If my research into the series lore hasn't failed me, then Mega Man will one day grow up to be a badass, ultra-masculine robot called Mega Man X. For now though, and since Mega Man seems to be the only person capable of bringing the law to bear against criminals like Dr. Wily, entering into a relationship with him would seem to be some kind of entrapment, To Catch a Predator type scenario. Sorry Mega, when it comes to sending you to dangerous areas and dungeons and castles, that's all fine. But relationship-wise, you're just not old enough yet.
Verdict: REJECT
The End!