The Mega Man Bachelors (Part 1)
Cut Man, Guts Man, Ice Man, Bomb Man, Fire Man, Elec Man, Time Man, Oil Man
The Mega Man Bachelors (Part 1)
As you may know, I often take a seat beside a roaring fire with a nice, strong drink in hand, as I begin to ruminate and postulate out loud. You may be picturing a beautiful country estate here, specifically a moonlit room, lined with high-minded books.
Occasional rumbles of thunder punctuate the scene, there’s a dog sleeping by the fire, and finally there’s me, sat on a red velvet armchair in my smoking jacket with a glass of Cognac.
But perish the thought - that’s not my scene at all. Yes, I’m drinking by the fire. But I’m more likely to be found drinking tallboys next to an out-of-control bonfire here, while sat on an upturned milk crate. And the dog is a flea-bitten stray.
Anyway, as I indulge in this Friday evening delight, I’m always thinking of my next feature to pen. When I raised the possibility of doing a Hot-or-Not showcase on all of the marriageable girls in the Harvest Moon series, the boys all threw their empty cans at me, telling me that I should be on a register. One or two even called me sexist. Can you believe that?
Well, to silence the boys, I’ve instead come up with a female-friendly feature that is simply not to be missed - a look at all of the Robot Masters of the long-running Mega Man series, and their eligibility as bachelors.
I know you’ll think it strange, showing you some eligible robo-husbands. But I’m just getting ahead of the curve. Since we’re all due to be taken over and governed by robots any day now, we may well get to the stage where your only choices are to either marry a robot, or travel to the ends of the world to find a human male who hasn’t been desecrated by smoothie blenders gone mad.
Hence, I’ve taken the liberty of doing a public service and producing The Mega Man Bachelors list - your little black e-book, that may just help you towards robotic matrimony. We’ll start, of course, with the game that gets left on the shelf more than any title in the series - Mega Man 1. Please do enjoy.
Cut Man (DLN-003)
You may be wondering about the serial numbers given with each Robot Master, and why, with Cut Man, we start at DLN-003. Well, DLN-001 is Mega Man himself, and given that he has beaten every single Robot Master on our list in battle, that makes him a sort of ultracool mix of Brad Pitt, Jesus and Shaft. So, we may have look at him another time. DLN-002 is Roll, Mega Man’s little sister - we’d better leave her out as well, at least for now. Then we’ve got Cut Man, built by the friendly Dr. Light, probably for opening all his fan-mail, or perhaps trimming that glorious beard of his. Cut Man has turned bad now, but you could turn him back to the side of good with some kissin’ and canoodlin’. There’ll be no better man for cutting your wedding cake. Or cutting the umbilical cord of your first-born robo-child.
Verdict: PASS
Guts Man (DLN-004)
What can you say about Guts Man? He really is all man. So much so that, over the past 40 years, we never really asked what exactly the ‘Guts’ part was supposed to mean. When it comes down to it, most women are really just looking for a manly man. In this robot-ridden hellworld, you won’t find many manly men, but a manly robot like Guts Man is the next best thing. He’ll do all the heavy DIY around the house, and he’ll even enjoy it. Then he’ll give you a big cuddly hug afterwards, because he’s that kind of guy.
Verdict: PASS
Ice Man (DLN-005)
Now, I didn’t intend on being highly offensive in these features. At least, not in the very first part of this series - I would rather ease the reader in to my inflammatory prose, gently. But, am I terribly bigoted for pointing out that Ice Man… doesn’t really look like a robot at all? It’s just a silly, big-eyed dude in a parka. I hardly think he’ll give you his coat if you get too cold. Even if he did, he’d just be naked. Scary, bare, naked metal, like something from The Terminator. We’re trying to avoid the robopocalypse, if you don’t mind.
Verdict: REJECT
Bomb Man (DLN-006)
I know some women just love gossip, and no, we won’t have an argument about that point. Actually, we all love a bit of gossip, let’s be honest. And Bomb Man is your man for news through the grapevine - he just loves to drop bombshells on you. Get it? Well, actually, any relationship where one party frequently drops bombs on the other can’t be a particularly happy one. A good relationship has both of its participants on the same page, you know? Love the mohawk, and the propensity with bombs, but I’m sorry Bomb Man - you’re just a bit too explosive to handle.
Verdict: REJECT
Fire Man (DLN-007)
I would have quickly disregarded this guy as being far too dangerous for a healthy relationship; you’d go to kiss his forehead and end up with singed eyebrows. But, from what little I know about women, I know that you often run cold, extremely cold at that. Or maybe that’s just a symptom of living in Ireland. Regardless, a source of fire is always attractive to gals like you, and Fire Man provides just that. Probably not a good idea to get him angry, though, especially if you live in a wooden lodge, or a cottage with a thatched roof.
Verdict: PASS
Elec Man (DLN-008)
For whatever archaic, obscure reason, no Robot Master in the original Mega Man comes equipped with more than four letters to their name. This works out in Elec Man’s favour - I picture him as exactly the kind of physical worker guy with a blunt, undeniably masculine name like Lee or Dean. If you’re the refined sort of lady who sometimes fancies a bit of rough, Elec Man is your… man, I suppose, but robot moreso. He’s the best electrician in the series, he’s tough, and he’s extremely dependable - there’s no way you could beat the original Mega Man game without this guy’s help. I’d place Elec Man as the Hottest Bachelor in the game. He faces some stiff competition for that title from the evil villain Dr. Wily, and his not-at-all stiff eyebrows, but that’s all.
Verdict: PASS - HOTTEST BACHELOR!
Time Man (DLN-00A)
You couldn’t say this guy was very timely at all, it took him years to join the Mega Man 1 roster. In fact, he’s only ever made an appearance in the nigh-forgotten PSP title, Mega Man Powered Up, and nothing since in the past 20 years. Much as I’d love to encourage you to give any robo-guy a chance, I would understand your hesitance in choosing to date someone who hasn’t had a date in decades. Still, if you wanted to throw Time Man a bone, I’d have every respect for you. I suppose it comes down to the kind of partner you want; if you’re regimented and always on time for things, Time Man will complement you well. If you’re more laissez-faire, not given to getting out of bed when your alarm clock tells you to, then you may find Time Man’s constant interruptions to be untimely, not to mention unwanted.
Verdict: REJECT
Oil Man (DLN-00B)
New to the roster of Mega Man 1 Robot Masters, Oil Man is a slick-talking dude, as you’d expect. He’s also a dab hand on his oily skateboard, which might make him a sort of oily Marty McFly. So he’s cool, in a certain sense, and a pretty valuable resource too. If you’re a bit of a gold-digger, and I shan’t judge you if you are, then you can’t do much better than a Man made of black gold. A word of caution though - you won’t be able to have any physical encounters with him without getting yourself all oiled up. Which might be alright, if you’re into that sort of thing.
Verdict: PASS
To Be Continued!