The Mega Man Bachelors (Part 10)
10 mainline Mega Man games, eh? Not even Elizabeth Taylor made it to ten husbands. You, on the other hand, you had better get moving fast if you’re gonna build up a string of ex-husbands, because there aren’t too many Mega Man games left after this.
I remember the very early days of online dating, where it really was feasible to swipe until you had literally no prospects left. Well, it’s gonna be a little bit like that for you soon, if none of the below prospective bachelors from Mega Man 10 do it for you. Don’t end up becoming what the Japanese refer to as a “Christmas cake woman”.
Sheep Man (DWN-073)
What can I say? If you are from Wales, Sheep Man is an automatic yes. And before anyone gets off their low sheep and onto their high horse, I am partly Welsh, which apparently gives me free licence to say that. You could substitute ‘Wales’ for whatever farm-y locale is situated near you. On a more serious note though, as things stand today, I don’t believe there’s any legislation that forbids humans from getting it on with robots. It’s probably something we ought to clear up soon, what with the AI revolution and all that. Bestiality, however, that’s a far different matter. I have to imagine that there’s been laws against that thing for, oh, many years. No, I’m not going to look it up. I’d rather we just moved on, the quicker the better.
Verdict: REJECT
Pump Man (DWN-074)
Pump Man is a tricky one. It all comes down to judging a book by its cover, I suppose. Plainly, he looks ridiculous, with a massive head appendage that he won’t be able to fit through your front door, or into your car. He’d certainly look foolish on your wedding day, as he turns his giant hook-head to you, while you walk up the aisle, with little Metools serving as the flower girls. But a prospective partner, who is noted for their pumping ability, must always be considered. I think Pump Man’s status is a booty call at best, an ‘appointment’ of sorts - never to be considered for public appearances or longer term commitment. That’s a bit terrible and soul-destroying I know, but that’s the way of the world.
Verdict: REJECT
Commando Man (DWN-075)
Hmm, I’m not so sure. Life with Commando Man would sure become very regimented, very quickly. If he treats you like his subordinates, you can expect him to charge into the room at 0600 hours and violently pull you from the bed and onto the floor. You are essentially signing up to the life of a military spouse, which will have different connotations depending on where you are. Here in Ireland, you’ll be a very rare breed, married to one of our six soldiers who never have to do anything. If you’re in the US, Commando Man is probably going to be deployed thousands of miles away, many months at a time. All you can really do from there is avail of the Military Wives discount, and then cheat on him a day before he returns home. I’d like to think you’re better than that.
Verdict: REJECT
Blade Man (DWN-076)
Mega Man 10 hasn’t really put on a good showing of eligible Robot Master bachelors so far, and I’m afraid to say the trend continues with Blade Man. I’d love to be able to see some poetry in him, to tell you that he’s a bit like Edward Scissorhands and that, actually, there is a wonderful heart and soul in there. But this guy ain’t Scissorhands, he’s Swordhands. One hug with this guy, and you’ll find yourself half the woman you used to be. It’s a shame, because he’s an enthusiastic guy. If we want to go all lore-crazy for a second, it turns out that Blade Man was an extremely enthusiastic tour guide for an ancient castle, before contracting Roboenza and becoming evil. Yeah, the storylines of these games don’t really stand up to much scrutiny. Either way, although he’s probably great with kids and old folks alike, I’m afraid the physicality of a relationship with Blade Man just doesn’t wash. You might as well be going out with Jack the Ripper.
Verdict: REJECT
Strike Man (DWN-077)
Now we’re talking - chicks love baseball. No, seriously, I asked my American wife and that’s what she told me, sort of. Certainly there are a lot more women in the audience of a baseball game, than you might get at a cricket game over here. He’s got a slight bit of a temper, does Strike Man - he’s basically one of those machines that fires baseballs at you so you can practice your batting. Sounds great, though if you do too well, he’ll start shooting those balls at a thousand miles an hour. This guy could play professionally in the MLB, which means you’ll never see him as he tours the country, playing 200 games a season, but at least he’ll make a zillion dollars a year for your household. The fact that you’ll have an infinite number of baseball caps to wear, and hundreds of baseball bats to keep as home security, those are just some of the many other perks Strike Man can bestow upon you.
Verdict: PASS
Nitro Man (DWN-078)
We have a winner on our hands. All of us men fear our wives and girlfriends coming into contact with those impossibly attractive, devil-may-care sort of guys. Half man, half robot, and somehow half Harley, Nitro Man is exactly the kind of guy who'll take someone's girl, and he’s got enough grunt and horsepower to sort the boyfriends and husbands out if they decide they wanna get all physical about it. What this all means for you is a slightly unavailable man, but if you can nail Nitro Man down, you could find yourself becoming a biker chick. You might even implore Nitro Man to give up the bike. But he never will, and deep down you're secretly delighted that he doesn't. Nitro Man may be the closest we've gotten to Fonzie Man throughout the full run of the Mega Man games. You can tut and shake your head at him all you like when he roars past, at way too fast a speed. But if you don't tie him down quick, then someone else will, and you'll be devastated. He’s Mega Man 10’s Hottest Bachelor, and with good reason.
Verdict: PASS - HOTTEST BACHELOR!
Solar Man (DWN-079)
Women of a certain disposition spend a lot of time giving themselves skin-cancer through the use of tanning beds. Well, you need harm yourself no more, because Solar Man is here to give you all the sun you could ever need. Here's the thing though, going out with the literal sun just isn't very practical. Solar Man is great when he's an acceptable number of millions of miles away, such that he can always make the plants in your garden happy, your annual leave days sunny, and you won't have to spend thousands on vacations to chase the sun around the world. Bring Solar Man any closer, though, and you'll sort of burn to a crisp as everything you hold dear also melts. Solar Man is strictly a long-distance relationship dealie, then. Very, very long-distance. I mean, he'll tell you he's only ever eight minutes away from reaching you, but he's just being pedantic. And I dunno, you might be capable of such an arrangement. But if couldn't be for me. I'm afraid I'll have to advise you to seek Shade Man instead.
Verdict: REJECT
Chill Man (DWN-080)
Is it just me, or has the pace of the world changed? I took a long break from work before, a number of months off, and I still had a packed schedule, every single day. And it's easy to look at everyone else in the world, on your socials too, all subscribing to hustle culture, and feel that you have to be keeping up with them too, or else. Shouldn't we all just calm down and chill a bit? And if you're one of those boss ladies who just doesn't know how to switch off, then Chill Man is here to help you relax. He's a little bit cold to the touch, by nature, but don't let that put you off too much - just get under a blanket together, hold each other's hand and indulge in a bit of Netflix and Chill, Chill Man's specialty. Alright, that makes him sound a bit sleazy, but I promise you, he's suaver and warmer than all that. And there's no better man for breaking the ice. Cucumbers ain't this cool.
Verdict: PASS
To Be Continued!