The Mega Man Bachelors (Part 11)
Mega Man got off to a flier of a start, action all the time. Then it went fallow for a bit, then it made a few comebacks. Then it died again. Now it might be coming back, just about, although it’s a lot older and more jaded now. Does that sound like your love-life?
Maybe so, but don’t get too down about it. Mega Man fans were down for a long time when there was no mainline game releases for a long time, and the only thing resembling anything new were pastiches of old NES games in Mega Man 9 and 10. But then Mega Man 11 got announced, with graphics that almost looked good, and suddenly we Mega Man fans were cock-of-the-walk again. It only takes that one bit of positive attention to get your confidence back, you know…
Block Man (DWN-081)
One of my favourite insults to toss around lately is ‘blockhead’. It’s not profane, it’s fun to say, and it beautifully describes a certain type of gormless individual. It may be that you’re looking for a partner who is ostensibly less intelligent than you. That way, he will generally defer to you and do whatever you say. I’m not saying that you are controlling, but that is basically what it amounts to. The trade-off for having such control over your man is that you occasionally have to listen to and put up with some of the dumbest statements you’ve ever heard in your life. Certainly you shouldn’t expect to be able to watch anything marked as ‘cerebral’ on Netflix, not with Block Man. As you’d expect, Block Man fits the blockhead bill perfectly. He was even dumb enough to be the Robot Master up on offer in the Mega Man 11 demo. I don’t know, in a relationship I like some sort of intellectual parity with my partner. But ultimately, the choice and preference is yours.
Verdict: JURY’S OUT
Fuse Man (DWN-082)
You know, all these electrical Robot Masters up until now, and I haven’t really mentioned the perils of electrocution. Even getting the tiniest static shock throws you off your game. It’s a weird feeling, momentarily infuriating, and yet electricity doesn’t get more minor than that. Blowing a fuse as you’re rewiring a plug? That’s where palms get sweaty. I’ve seen videos of people dying due to extreme electrical shock, and it’s bizarre. The life just goes out of their bodies, like their batteries have suddenly run out. The worst thing is that, when you’re being electrilised, your muscles contract, which could mean that your hands stick to the offending item with an unshakeable grip, and you just can’t relinquish it. This is exactly what Fuse Man will do to you, to control you and keep you in your place. What, you think he wouldn’t blow his fuse at you like that? They don’t call him Fuse Man for nothing, you know.
Verdict: REJECT
Blast Man (DWN-083)
You may have heard the term of someone suffering with main-character syndrome. Well, Blast Man’s got main-character syndrome in spades, and he would easily take centre stage if the game wasn’t called Mega Man. He just oozes confidence, he could be the star of his own game, his own franchise, his own universe, if only his programming didn’t restrict him to lying in wait in a dank little room at the end of a very dangerous building. Such is the life of the doomed Robot Master, but since you have the chance to rescue him from his circuitry and give him a new life, why not jump on Blast Man while you still can? You’ll always be proud to show this guy off to your girlies, believe me.
Verdict: PASS
Acid Man (DWN-084)
Erm, no, I’m afraid not. I don’t tend to read the news anymore, given that it’s all far too depressing. But every so often, you’ll see that headline that just makes the pit of your stomach drop: ‘woman disfigured in acid attack.’ It seems to happen every day in London - perhaps stabbing is no longer de rigeur over there - but God, what a downright evil thing to do. To put it mildly, you don’t want to be spending any time at all with an Acid Man, especially when he’s got a hairline trigger temper. So disgusting and evil is this guy, that if there was an Antacid Man out there, then no matter what he looked like, no matter what his personality was, I’d advise you to quickly get with him instead.
Verdict: REJECT
Tundra Man (DWN-085)
Tundra Man is exactly the kind of dude who catches people like me out. We take a look at this flamboyant ice-skater, and we think, well, he’s not gonna be a threat. He’s the type of guy who’d be more likely to hold a girl’s handbag rather than try anything on with her, we think. But then, just as we guys have written him off, this lithe, swarthy man saunters in, swoops you off your feet, holds you aloft, and all of the judges (your friends in the group chat) are immediately holding up signs saying ‘10’. It’s like any kind of dancing or performative art - the men have to be properly ripped beasts to be any good at it, not to mention they need to have rhythm and synchronicity. And fab hair. And unlike the ‘roided up gym-goers, this type of guy is fully secure in his own skin and sexuality, which is massively attractive to many women, or so I’ve heard. Tundra Man, though he looks cold as ice, is the Hottest Bachelor in Mega Man 11 as far as I’m concerned - he takes the award at a canter. Or should that be a cantilever?
Verdict: PASS - HOTTEST BACHELOR!
Torch Man (DWN-086)
We could argue ‘til the cows come home on what things men and women truly have in common, if anything. One thing I feel we share a united enjoyment of is a love of shoulder massages - who could say no to having our loved ones come up behind us and start affectionately squeezing and rubbing our shoulders in just the right spot? Well, with those very large fiery protuberances on both of Torch Man’s shoulders, this avenue of shared comfort and romance may be impossible. But fear not - there is something that many men and women both enjoy as well, and that is 'staying in and not going out, electing to get all warm and cosy together instead. And in that endeavour, I suspect Torch Man here takes great inspiration from the most famous of his kind, the Olympic Flame - he never goes out. Ho ho, you can have that one for free if you want.
Verdict: PASS
Impact Man (DWN-087)
What sounds alluring to men like me probably sounds disgusting to women like you, but I’ll just say that Impact Man seems to be right out of Sigmund Freud’s phallic playbook. In his normal form, he’s big and domineering, and he knows what to do with his cylindrical arms. When he shifts gears, thanks to Mega Man 11’s shape-shifting gimmick, he becomes an enormous, uncontrollable beast altogether. But it’s not just sexual; you’re a woman looking for a man with substance, someone who has beliefs and convictions. No, not those types of convictions, I mean tenets, values and ambitions. In other words, someone who will make a meaningful, positive impact on your life. Well, why would you need to look any further than Impact Man for that?
Verdict: PASS
Bounce Man (DWN-088)
There are a select few Robot Masters in the series, maybe one per game or less, who are just so fun and cutesy and happy that you almost feel bad killing them. Actually, killing this guy in Mega Man 11 was a pain in the arse, but that’s neither here nor there. Outside of battle, Bounce Man still looks all cute and cuddly, although it doesn’t really work for physical intimacy if your every attempt to hug him sees you getting bounced across the room. That, really, is the double-edged sword of Bounce Man: you can’t even really stand next to him in a selfie, in case you make a false step and bounce harder than my bank cheques. But as a bouncy castle, an amusement sideshow, something to put a smile on your face, getting thrown around by Bounce Man may be all you need. Not a suitable romantic partner, then, but possibly a man you need in your life regardless.
Verdict: JURY’S OUT
To Be Continued!