The Mega Man Bachelors (Part 2)
Metal Man, Air Man, Bubble Man, Quick Man, Crash Man, Flash Man, Heat Man, Wood Man
The Mega Man Bachelors (Part 2)
As I understand it, dating no longer exists in the modern age. Oh sure, you can download an app and get talking to what appears to be a prospective boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife. A soulmate, even. But nope, I’m sorry, you’re just talking to an artificial intelligence. In fact, how do you know you’re not the only human out there in an ocean of robotic AI?
Pretty soon, your only dating options are going to be half-robot, half-man freakazoids. This is one of the many reasons why the Mega Man franchise, far from the overpriced, unoriginal, heavily outdated waste of time we all thought it to be, is in fact incredibly prescient - don’t be fooled by the cutesy colours, this series is an allegory for the dystopian, robohell futures awaiting us all.
But we all need a bit of companionship, especially in the toughest times, right? So, to ease the existential pain of being a doomed human, I’d like to filter through some more of the eligible Robot Master men of the Mega Man series, and present some dating options and opinions to you. I’ve always fancied myself as a bit of a matchmaker, so why can’t that extend to robots too? Let’s take a look at unquestionably the best Mega Man classic game, Mega Man 2. How will its cadre of men hold up?
Metal Man (DWN-009)
If you love your jewellery, and I’ve never met a woman who doesn’t, then you might have to bin Metal Man off immediately because his Metal Blades cut through anything, absolutely anything. He’ll almost never run out of blades to throw, either. But even more concerning than that, is the fact that he himself crumbles to dust on contact with other metal. It’s some sort of Ghostbusters, don’t-cross-the-streams Egon Spengler type stuff. And it means that Metal Man ain’t the resilient, reliable fortress of a man you might have been expecting.
Verdict: REJECT
Air Man (DWN-010)
Now we’re talking. Air Man might just be the quintessential Robot Master, in my opinion. Him or Guts Man, at least. Air Man’s got everything - he looks mean, he’s got an interesting gimmick, and he’s a straightforward guy. You understand everything you need to know about Air Man simply by looking at him. And indeed, airmen exist in real life, usually wearing sexy uniforms with epaulettes and insignias and emblems. If you’re from warm climates, this guy could even keep you well air-conditioned. Forget the Mega Man Bachelors - expect to see swarthy Air Man on the cover of all the glossy glam magazines sometime soon. I deem him the Hottest Bachelor of Mega Man 2.
Verdict: PASS - HOTTEST BACHELOR!
Bubble Man (DWN-011)
I’ve always found this fella to suffer a bit from the same syndrome as Ice Man from Mega Man 1; he looks less like a killer robot, and moreso like some chap who put on some scuba gear and decided to hop around the water, calling himself Bubble Man to anyone who’d listen. Then he dies in about three hits. Seriously, he must be one of the weakest Robot Masters in Mega Man history. So he doesn’t look the part, nor does he walk the walk. The absence of a mouth indicates that he won’t talk the talk, either, so you’ll have to do the talking for both. That mightn’t be so bad, actually. But would you want to end up with a guy who never takes his flippers off?
Verdict: REJECT
Quick Man (DWN-012)
Well, I’m not so sure a Robot Master who is much-vaunted for being quick is the road you want to travel down. All good relationships have their honeymoon period, where things are very exciting. It all settles down eventually, of course, since there’s only so much physical energy one can expend. But there are all kinds of little milestones that a relationship reaches organically over time. That’s what makes it so exciting and rewarding. Do you want to speed through that? If he was called Quickie Man, he might score some points. But this impatient bugger? Leave him well alone, ladies, he just wants to rush things.
Verdict: REJECT
Crash Man (DWN-013)
Forgive me for generalising, but I’m sure most women typically want a man who’s good with his hands. Or at least, one who hasn’t got violent drills for hands. And we were never quite sure if this guy was called Clash Man or Crash Man. Neither of them sound like promising personality traits for any kind of relationship. Although there are some people out there who love stirring up arguments with their partners. If that describes you, then maybe Clash Man could be your guy, and you could have constant tiffs with each other. If, on the other hand, you’ve always wanted your partner to crash the car with you in it, then go for Crash Man.
Verdict: JURY’S OUT
Flash Man (DWN-014)
It’s possible that I’ve put more thought into the dateability and viability of these Robot Masters more than anyone else on the planet. Hence it may fall to me to determine whether the words in each Robot Master’s name is an adjective, or a verb. If ‘Flash’ is an adjective here, then that bodes well, in that he’s flashy and a bit of a show-off. He’ll make you look good, as well. But if ‘Flash’ is a verb here… well, it won’t be long before he starts sending you unwanted pictures, or worse, exposing himself in front of you. And if he freezes you in place with his Time Stopper attack during this… watch out.
Verdict: JURY’S OUT
Heat Man (DWN-015)
It appears Dr. Wily took the classic Zippo lighter, enlarged it, gave it eyes, and called in Heat Man. And having a chap like this in your life is always handy if you need a cigarette lighter. But aren’t all the young ladies vaping these days anyway? I fear Heat Man has become superfluous. Or maybe he always was, when put in direct competition with that paragon of warmth, Fire Man. I reckon Heat Man would be a great laugh among the lads, for lighting our farts on fire and all that sort of malarkey. He may not be quite ready or mature enough for a relationship with a lady just yet, however.
Verdict: REJECT
Wood Man (DWN-016)
I know you’re not here for crap double-entendres, so I’ll spare you any jokes at Wood Man’s expense, at all our expenses really. To the untrained eye, the one who can’t see true beauty, he’s just a ridiculous large man with a tree stump on his head for some reason. But, if I’ve learned anything from loitering at the gymnasium, it’s that a lot of women like men who resemble a giant, well-carved oak tree. His weapon of choice, the Leaf Shield, also serves a defensive purpose as well, and being able to defend and keep your lady safe is paramount to any aspirational man. Just make sure you’re not too hot, as in smoking hot. That kind of hotness never ends well for Wood Man.
Verdict: PASS
To Be Continued!