The Mega Man Bachelors (Part 3)
Needle Man, Magnet Man, Gemini Man, Hard Man, Top Man, Snake Man, Spark Man, Shadow Man
The Mega Man Bachelors (Part 3)
We’ve already spun through the eligible Mega Man bachelors from the first two Mega Man games. 16 of them in total to date, all of which we have had to accept or dismiss, on many different individual merits. Has dating app fatigue set in for you yet? This isn’t like buying clothes online, you know - don’t think you can just swipe through all of these guys in half a second. You could be missing out on your robo-hubby. Could the below Robot Masters, all from Mega Man 3, win your affection?
Needle Man (DWN-017)
Well, this is where I have to make a judgment call. See, Needle Man sounds like a nice way to refer to a conked-out heroin junkie on the street, if noticed by your young child: “this way, sweetie, and mind you don’t walk on the Needle Man.” Or perhaps this Needle Man is a much more homely and wholesome guy, someone who’ll help you out with your cutesy little knitting and crocheting projects? Those little 8-bit pixel sprites can be awfully ambiguous, I’m afraid. He does look like a pretty angry guy. And pointy, too. But I can’t help but shake the idea that Needle Man is about as threatening as a little woodpecker, or a tiny hedgehog. Far from making a judgment call, I’m gonna keep my butt firmly on the fence on Needle Man, which will hopefully add a layer of mystique and romance if you do decide to date him.
Verdict: JURY’S OUT
Magnet Man (DWN-018)
Magnets and love do seem to share a relationship, at least linguistically. Animal magnetism, opposites attract, all that jazz. I think this idea of polarity works against Magnet Man’s favour, though. On one hand, he could find you completely repulsive, which is a truly horrible word to be called, but is at least scientifically correct - no matter what he does, he’ll never have the power to get truly close to you. He’ll always be just that little bit distant. Or, the opposite may apply and he could be intensely attracted to you. Which sounds great, but think about it - he’ll be all over you, stuck to you indeed, and he’ll never let you go, or even let you out of his sight. It makes Magnet Man a stage 5 clinger, and you probably don’t need that level of neediness in your life. It’s always a tough prospect, rejecting a man based on something he can’t really help. But you can’t go around feeling sorry for the guy either.
Verdict: REJECT
Gemini Man (DWN-019)
Boy, it’s the first, and to this day only Robot Master based on the zodiac. To a very certain subsection of slightly witchy women out there, one’s star-sign is paramount when it comes to dating compatibility. At least, this was true in the 90s, but how up to date do you expect my dating knowledge to be? Anyway, a bit of feminine research is never beneath me. Hence I consulted Elle magazine for guidance, no finer organ for horoscopes out there. And I’m very reliably informed that “Geminis can switch from a gentle breeze to a sexual hurricane, and sweep you off your feet.” Wow! In truth, the BS got a little too much for me at that point, but what I’ve learned is that if you’re a Libra or a Leo, Gemini Man will be the object of all your passionate, earthly desires. Capricorn and Aquarius ladies match with Gemini Man well, whereas Tauruses like me lose out. Overall, most star-signs can find compatibility with Gemini Man. And hey, even if he looks good but irritates the hell out of you, he’s got a twin brother for you to, ah, fall back on.
Verdict: PASS
Hard Man (DWN-020)
Christ, just when you thought we’d gotten past puerile wordplays with the likes of Wood Man, along comes Hard Man to blow us out of the water, with a name that’d even make your granny blush and titter. Well, if I can ask you to listen and be mature for five minutes, I’ll be able to tell you that, where I’m from, being hard means you’re tough as nails, not one to go down easily in a fight. This is certainly true of Hard Man - he’s wearing all his mother’s pots and pans, the corrugated iron stuff, so good luck striking his weak spot. For security, you want a Hard Man in your life - just make sure he’s not so hard that he has a screw loose, and a propensity to beat women up. And look, let’s face it, around my way, hard also means the same thing it does everywhere else. But that’s good, at least you’ll know that Hard Man never runs into any problems down there.
Verdict: PASS
Top Man (DWN-021)
Oh golly, oh crikey. You know I’m trying to swerve the innuendos here, and not make things too salacious. This is a family website, see. But Top Man here, well, those with a bit of insider knowledge of “the scene” know exactly where this man stands, or rather lies, in terms of bedroom positioning. Let’s put it this way, there hasn’t been a Bottom Man in the Mega Man series as yet, but when they do invent him, he’ll be dominated at once by Top Man. And look, I know I’m on the right track here. What, you think Top Man is some innocent little robo-personification of a kid’s spinning top? Come off it. Even his special weapon, isn’t a weapon at all - it’s an erotic dance. Play Mega Man 3 and you can even see Mega Man, in his little grey speedos, crotchdance all over the enemy with the Top Spin. This is all to say that I don’t think Top Man will ever be your type, darling, but at least he won’t hit on you all the time.
Verdict: REJECT… BUT KEEP AS A CLOSE FRIEND
Snake Man (DWN-022)
Well, certainly I hope you’re not the type of lady to broadcast your dating woes or distaste of men all over social media. You find that the people who do this, they kindly warn everyone about “all the snakes out there.” Bit of an ignoble animal, the snake, and ‘snakelike’ certainly shouldn’t be the main descriptor of the man you’d hope to date. Snake Man here is the king of the snakes. Probably. Something like that, anyway. Honestly, I can’t see what kind of use a Snake Man robot would have in an industrial or home setting. At least Fire Man can probably de-ice your car in the morning or something. This guy just exists to produce more snakes, be a bad date, and overall be a pretty slippery individual. Don’t let him fool you into thinking he’s got a trousersnake, whatever you do.
Verdict: REJECT
Spark Man (DWN-023)
I’m sure you’ve been on plenty of dates in your time, at least I hope you have. Online profiles have all but ended the idea of true blind dating, meaning that lookswise, you’ll always know what you’re getting into ahead of time, even with filters and angles taken into account. This means that when the date does come, the only thing left to be taken care of is that crucial spark. Without the spark, it’ll just be another fruitless first date - nice, hopefully, with a gentleman. But ultimately unfulfilling, leaving a hole, no real resolution, only frustration. Spark Man gives everyone that spark without even trying. He definitely takes the award for Mega Man 3’s Hottest Bachelor. Next time you’re on a hopeless first date, and you’re desperate for any kind of out, take a look around and see if you can spy a couple having a much better date than you. Nine times out of ten, it’ll be Spark Man on one side of the table, killer lines just falling out of his mouth, his date completely enamoured, and you’re left ruing what might have been.
Verdict: PASS - HOTTEST BACHELOR!
Shadow Man (DWN-024)
Shadow Man is essentially a ninja, or at least some dark assassin who strikes in the night. As such, you’re never really going to see too much of him. During the night, he’ll be out doing ninja-y things, and during the day, he’ll probably be resting up before going after his next target. And who’s to say that won’t be you, waking up dead the next morning? Much as I have a great kinship with those who only stir at night, I’m only seeing potential relationship problems here. The daytime is when Shadow Man should be taking you on fun little dates, like teaching you how to throw ninja death stars and how to glide over water. And at nighttime, Shadow Man should be there, in the bed beside you, so you can roll over and cuddle with him. But he won’t be there - he’ll be off gallivanting, one of those guys who’s completely married to his job. He’s cool and mysterious and plays by his own rules and all that, all of which tends to find favour with ladies. But Shadow Man is plainly hopeless as a prospective boyfriend or future husband for those looking for a more mature relationship. Better just leave him to his little assassinations and childish espionage.
Verdict: REJECT
To Be Continued!