The Mega Man Bachelors (Part 4)
The story of Mega Man 4, if you really wnated to know, is that instead of blowing up 8 Robot Masters and going after the evil Dr. Wily, you blow up 8 Robot Masters and go after the evil Dr. Cossack instead (he’s Russian). Except he’s not evil after all, just being blackmailed, or something. I think they call that kind of thing “catfishing”.
I do hope you won’t feel catfished or otherwise led on and deceived by the following 8 Robot Masters from Mega Man 4. You’ll surely find an eligible bachelor in here, maybe even 2. I’ll be honest though, a lot of these candidates are nothing better than rusty buckets of undateable bolts.
Bright Man (DWN-025)
Looking for someone to light up your life? Look no further than Bright Man. I do hope you live in a nicer, more forgiving type of area, though. Otherwise, people are gonna be shouting “bulbhead” at him. Certainly I’d avoid taking public transport with him, if possible. Slightly unfortunate looking then, but don’t let that put you off completely. Bright Man is the ideal companion if you’re a bit afraid of the dark. He’s always coming up with bright ideas, lightbulb moments as they’re called. And he’s an eco-friendly kind of guy as well, which always scores points. He’d have to be, because those old-timey lightbulbs used to blow up every five seconds. At least, they did in my old house. And Bright Man’s a nice chap who doesn’t deserve to suffer from Exploding Head Syndrome all the time.
Verdict: PASS
Toad Man (DWN-026)
Ooh, no, absolutely not. Look, these days I say that getting old is a privilege. Not everyone gets to experience it. This helps me cope with my unstoppable aging. But an unfortunate fact of life is that your looks do fade, and for a certain unlucky subset of men and women, this seems to have the effect of making them increasingly resemble a toad as they get older. And I'm afraid there's nothing appealing about being toadlike. Remember, t’was a frog that got kissed in the fairy tale, not a disgusting slimy toad. And to add many injuries to that insult, Toad Man has got to be one of the weakest Robot Masters in all of Mega Man, meaning he can't even stand up for you in a fight. And if he tells you he can make it rain, don't listen to him - he can, but he means literal rain. Just what you need, right? A weak toady man who can't go 5 seconds without ruining your hair? You can do a lot better than this.
Verdict REJECT
Drill Man (DWN-027)
Look, there’s more to a relationship than the physical intimacy. I fully believe that. But there must be physical attraction and desire, such that you’ll eventually want to get down and dirty with your man. Just by taking a look at Drill Man, though, you can see he’s not much for foreplay. You wouldn’t want either of his hands, or indeed his head, between your legs, that much is certain. Maybe you could overlook that, if Drill Man was a sweet and sensitive guy who made you feel loved and was good at romance. But guess what? He’s none of those things. He’s an angry driller who’ll make massive holes in your furniture, and make an almighty racket of noise while doing so. Keep this dangerous pest away from every one of your private areas.
Verdict: REJECT
Pharaoh Man (DWN-028)
Finally we're getting to the more affluent robot matters. Some of the previous lads we've looked at, they didn't have the proverbial pot to pee into, or leak oil into I suppose. But Pharaoh Man here is a king among men, quite literally. He'll want a cat in the house as well, which will appeal to a lot of you. Just be sure to do your own bit of sleuthing about this guy’s wealth; I've been to Egypt and a lot of the folk were hella poor. I suspect the glory days of the pharaohs are long gone. They took their wealth with them to the afterlife, didn’t they? If he's bona fide, though, then in Pharaoh Man you'll be getting a rich ruler, a kingdom and an empire to join as his Cleopatra. If nothing else, since he's a rough and ready kind of guy, I imagine he'll leave you walking like an Egyptian after a romantic evening together.
Verdict: PASS
Ring Man (DWN-029)
Ah, now we're not wasting any time. Every woman wants their happy ending, I know you do. But how many women out there remain unfulfilled and never get their ring? It's a tragic occurrence, but some men really are that dense and unaware of what they have. No such issues with Ring Man here, who'll waste no time proposing to you, and otherwise keeping you in the finest, most luxurious rings and rocks around. To Ring Man, the sanctity of marriage and the wedding vows actually mean a great deal. I know you may not be looking to fully settle down just yet, and there's nothing wrong with getting some field-playing out of your system. But when it comes time to pick a Robot Master to spend the rest of your life with, you can be sure that Ring Man measures up. He ranks as Mega Man 4’s Hottest Bachelor.
Verdict: PASS - HOTTEST BACHELOR!
Dust Man (DWN-030)
It’ll be its own miracle if I’ve managed to get four parts deep into the Mega Man Bachelors without making a calamitously sexist statement. In so saying, I’ll throw caution fully to the wind and say that it seems, perhaps, that the majority of women love dusting and hoovering. Possibly. Allegedly. Was that OK to say? Well, if this as-yet-unfounded statement were found to be true, then I can find no practical reason for keeping Dust Man around. Oh, sure, anyone would like a bit of help around the house. But you’ll probably want your man doing the grimier, nastier jobs instead. You’ve got your own pride-and-joy vacuum cleaner already, so what do you want one built into your man’s head for? It’s not him who’ll be doing the sucking in this relationship anyway. Was that OK to say as well?
Verdict: REJECT
Dive Man (DWN-031)
Dive Man’s looking for a maritime gal, rather than a good-time gal. He’s kind of a submarine-on-legs, which probably doesn’t sound too appealing to you. And that is insane, if you ask me - men just love machinery in a way that most women do not. My wife can only roll her eyes when I stop and stare at a passing helicopter. I nearly fainted when a fighter jet once roared overhead above us, but again, nothing but a mildly bemused reaction from her. Meeting Dive Man in real life would probably send me right over the edge. It would be like seeing The Hunt for Red October for the first time, all over again. You can probably take all this to mean that Dive Man is more for the boys than the girls, which is probably true. One unexpected niche of this, however, is that if you’re the single mother of a young boy, then there’s surely no finer prospective step-dad out there than Dive Man. In all other scenarios though, it’s probably best you leave him alone. Solitary women don’t tend to fare well on extended submarine stints anyway.
Verdict: JURY’S OUT
Skull Man (DWN-032)
What is it with the themes of death among Mega Man 4’s robot masters? Pharaoh Man, and now this guy. Skull Man might be appealing to your little brother, who'll find him infinitely cool. But from your perspective, all I'm seeing is a scrawny, weedy Man, all skin and bones. All bones, actually, if we want to get into it. It's possibly an eating disorder, though I find it far more likely that Skull Man is a bit of a nihilist who overindulges in all sorts of wild drugs. The severely gaunt expression could be from heroin, and to a very specific class of spoiled girl, probably from London, who gets all of her parents’ money but none of their monitoring, the heroin-chic life seems to appeal. However, in Skull Man’s case I'm thinking meth - you can always spot a meth-head. And you may be willing to dabble in that stuff a bit, though I suspect you've got enough common sense to give this death-seeking madman a wide berth.
Verdict: REJECT
To Be Continued!