The Mega Man Bachelors (Part 5)
Mega Man 5, huh? In the old days, you could have 5 installments of a series on one game console. Now, you’re lucky if you get one installment every five years, and not a hope you’ll get two on the same console. Capcom were churning out the Mega Man games on a yearly basis, even more frequently than that at times.
But I don’t know, maybe that’s not particularly frequent. Maybe you’re a person who has gone through other halves at a rate of more than one per year. No judging here, it’s great - because I’ve got eight more Robo-bachelors here for you to feel out. This whole set of men might last you six months, if you’re lucky.
Gravity Man (DWN-033)
I’m trying to avoid gender-based generalisations, but a simple fact is that many women are attracted to power. And there are very few forces in the world more powerful than gravity. As such, Gravity Man here can reverse gravitational forces anytime he wishes, and send everyone tumbling upside-down in a quite hilarious jape. If that’s too bold for you, then Gravity Man can make life easier for you in a variety of ways: he can lower gravity at any time, in case you ever want to float anywhere. If you’re a bit bloated, or you just want to feel slimmer, Gravity Man can quite literally reduce your mass. The only trade-off, I suppose, is that his talking points may be a bit limited - he seems to only want to discuss physics and not much else. Still, in a game that’s struggling to break the mould in terms of bachelors, all of Gravity Man’s other attributes are enough to make him a viable candidate for you to ‘gravitate’ towards.
Verdict: PASS
Wave Man (DWN-034)
I like Wave Man, he’s got something of Poseidon in him. And nearly any woman in the world would want to be with a Greek God, if you’re being truly honest. You won’t just be confined to water if you embark on a life with Wave Man either - he’s perfectly ambulant on land, meaning you won’t have to be like the Little-Mermaid-in-Reverse if you want to go and see him. He does have a habit of firing harpoons from his Arm Cannon, which would lead me to assume that he’s partial to a bit of whaling - you’ll want to curtail this nasty habit of his, I’m sure. But he might also land you some lovely big fishies to eat, if you’re into seafood. Even if you’re not a pescatarian, his domain invites you to partake in a spot of jet-skiing as well, which is always fun. Wave Man’s got plus points all over the board - don’t we all want our partners to make waves with us?
Verdict: PASS
Stone Man (DWN-035)
If you're the type of gal who generally prefers someone with depth, someone a bit brooding, often with interesting things to say, then Stone Man isn't your man. He does fulfil a certain need, though; he is an exceedingly simple man, who just so happens to be built… well, like a brick shithouse, as the saying goes. Nobody would ever mess with Stone Man in public, which means you're spared any aggravation as well. I just don't know if Stone Man is ideal for a longer term relationship, however. He'll be sat there, completely silent almost all the time, speaking only when spoken to. You'll ask him, with a smile, what he's thinking about in that big old brain of his, and his answer, invariably, will be "nothing." And he's not hiding anything from you - he really will be thinking about nothing. Stone Man is essentially Puddy from Seinfeld, meaning he may only be suited to relationships that are constantly on-off. Therefore, I'll have to ask you to use your own discretion here.
Verdict: JURY’S OUT
Gyro Man (DWN-036)
I don’t know what a gyro is, and at this stage of my life I’m too afraid to ask. I suspect it’s nothing to do with gyros, that Greek delicacy of pitta bread with tzatziki and a meat of your choice. It might be one of the nicest snacks in the world, and if you can get a man to make you some, I’d say you’ve automatically got a keeper. Sadly, I think Gyro Man, looking at his design, is more like a robo-helicopter, meaning he suffers from the same problem as Mega Man 4’s Dive Man did: impossibly badass to those men out there with the dispositions of a 12-year-old boy, which is to say, the majority of men. But I I fear that Gyro Man’s effect would be lost somewhat on most women. Still, if you like a taste of the high life, you can’t do much better than having your own helicopter. At least, not until Private Jet Man comes along.
Verdict: JURY’S OUT
Star Man (DWN-037)
Some people just have that star quality, and Star Man is one of them. I’m not saying he’s an A-List, Hollywood Walk of Fame kind of star - he’s no Guts Man, that’s for sure. But bagging a guy like Star Man introduces you to a higher walk of life, an immediate upturn in your fortunes. I can picture your date with him now - firstly, he shows up in a cool spaceship that’s eco-friendly and quiet. And has plenty of cupholders. He whisks you to the opera, which he’s very into - and I’m quoting from game lore and canon here. After that, he’ll take you for a walk along the beach, both of you gently listening to the water waves crash along the coast, beneath the shimmering stars above. Star Man will be able to point out every single constellation up there, and give you all of their names. He won’t be bullshitting you about them either, like the rest of us men do. Forget you, I think I’ve fallen for Star Man myself, if you’d kindly like to step aside. It’s with no hesitation that I deem Star Man to be the Hottest Bachelor of Mega Man 5.
Verdict: PASS - HOTTEST BACHELOR!
Charge Man (DWN-038)
Strangely enough, I’m very familiar with the world of trains. It’s not like I get down to the train platform with my binoculars and indulge in some trainspotting when the 12:47 train to London comes past, nothing like that. No, my expertise is more focused on model trains, and I can tell you that this hobby attracts precisely zero females. I hardly think it attracts too many neurotypical males, either. More to the point, it’s a bloody expensive hobby. So, if all of that applies to Charge Man, then you’re talking about a slightly autistic bloke who costs a fortune to run, and if he has any mates to introduce you to, they’ll all be anoraks as well. He’s probably a perfectly nice guy, but I reckon you should leave Nigel Man here well alone.
Verdict: REJECT
Napalm Man (DWN-039)
Oh, for God’s sake. Do you know how difficult it is to even write the word “napalm” without making all sorts of tasteless references to the Vietnam War? I already talked about all that in my review of Mega Man 5 (watch this space). And now, here he is, Napalm Man himself, the source of all the trouble. Look, it’s not as if he’s the only violently explosive Robot Master out there - I even came close to giving old Bomb Man a pass, way back when. But, and I’m sorry I have to say this, but one bad date or fiery argument with Napalm Man and you could very well end up like Phun Thi Kim Phuc, the napalm girl, running down the street with her clothes completely burned off her back. I’m sure you know the photo I’m talking about. To say the least, you don’t want to run even the slightest risk of a fate like that. Napalm Man may be the least eligible bachelor in the Mega Man series period, and that is saying something.
Verdict: REJECT
Crystal Man (DWN-040)
They may all literally have the word ‘Man’ in their names, but not every prospective Robot Master date of yours has to be ultra-muscular. Case in point, Crystal Man here. He’s definitely more of the sensitive and spiritual type. Sensitive, because I don’t think his glass joints will stand up very strongly against an assailant’s punch if ever he had to defend you in public. Bad if you’re looking for someone to throw hands on your behalf, but good if you want someone who can maturely resolve conflict. And I reckon he’s spiritual because, with no less than six crystal balls making up his body, there’s no better man for divining the future. To witchy women out there who are all about spirit mediums and fortune tellers, Crystal Man heavily appeals. Just make sure he’s not feeding you baloney.
Verdict: PASS
To Be Continued!