The Mega Man Bachelors (Part 6)
The sixth installment of the now-legendary Mega Man series, and by extension the sixth installment of this now-legendary series of the Mega Man bachelors, truly brings us all around the world. We’ll be going from the American Old West, to the Middle East, to Japan, and everywhere in-between.
This is good and exciting, because you may just be sick of the punks and lowlifes and shoddy excuses for men in your hometown. If that’s the case, then it’s certainly time for you to cast your net further afield, see if you can’t bag yourself an exotic Robo-Bachelor from somewhere unexpected around the world.
Blizzard Man (MRN-041)
At first glance, Blizzard Man mightn’t seem a very prudent choice for a partner. After all, it’s nice to have some warmth to cling onto at night, and a skier like Blizzard Man don’t got none of that. But you see, it’s a mistake to think that skiing is actually about the skiing. All skiing’s about is avoiding injury for long enough until the sun goes down, and you can get to the ski lodge, all slim and tanned and warmly wrapped up, ready to cop off with someone, as the fire roars and the drink flows. Blizzard Man here is no novice to the pistes, he’s been around a while and he knows what apres-ski is all about. He goes down the Triple Black ski slopes with ease, and nobody would dare question him. If you like wearing gloves and woolly hats, you look good in turtleneck jumpers, and you want to be part of a powder-skiing power-couple, then go with Blizzard Man.
Verdict: PASS
Centaur Man (MRN-042)
If a Robot Master is half-man, half-robot, and a centaur is half-man, half-horse, then Centaur Man must be about 75% man, by my mathematics. You may generally be sick of men by now, so perhaps three-quarters of a man is more of a positive for you? Or, to be more blunt, most women have some need of a man who’s hung like a horse, at some point in their lives. But then, I was always told that size doesn’t matter, and that’s a delusion I’m happy to persist under. More to the point, if you know your mythology, you might be aware that centaurs, particularly when they get together in packs, are known to initiate a spot of gang-raping on women to keep them in line. I’m certain this is what happened to Professor Umbridge that time. Centaurs are known for being uncivilised, after all. I’m afraid I can’t, in good conscience, set you up with Centaur Man. He’s a bit too extreme for anyone’s tastes.
Verdict: REJECT
Flame Man (MRN-043)
If you're sick of the local men in your area, why not go for something more exotic and head towards the Middle East instead? For some women, and in fairness quite a lot of men as well, going out and starting a new life in the likes of Dubai and Abu Dhabi seems to represent the be-all and end-all in life. And if you can be coaxed out there by someone extremely wealthy from oil money, so much the better. Flame Man here comes straight from the oil-fields, and apparently has a purpose in using his flame stores to generate thermal energy from the oil. Seems to me like that would cause a hellacious field of fire to appear and consume everything. But until the horrid day comes, come out to live in Flame Man's palace and live yourself the high life.
Verdict: PASS
Knight Man (MRN-044)
Sometimes, when you've been let-down and dumped and left broken-hearted by men, you just want someone gentlemanly to come into your life, to show you that not all men want to hurt you. They don't come more honourable and chivalrous than Knight Man, who lives his robot-life according to the knight's code, which includes being polite and mannerly to ladies at all times. Better than that, he lives in a grand castle that he'd love to show you around. It's filled with all sorts of medieval traps, of course, but you kind of have to expect that - any Robot Master who brings you to his home is going to be subjecting you to all kinds of fatal hazards. Knight Man is dependable, trustworthy, kind and respectful. And even if it doesn't work out between the two of you, he will be accepting and understanding. If nothing else, that makes Knight Man worthy of checking out.
Verdict: PASS
Plant Man (MRN-045)
He's a nice guy and all that, looks after the plants and all the other botanicals. But I'm not so sure you need Plant Man in your life. Hope this doesn't come across as too sexist, but when a man and a woman live together, there is a natural division of labour. Men take care of the bins, women do the vacuum cleaning. These days, either of them could do the cooking, or both. But looking after the houseplants is strictly the lady's remit. There's a certain bit of truth behind the thinking of girls who keeps plants around the home - they already take care of dozens of useless articles, which means they'll have no problem taking care of one more useless article, i.e guys like me. But Plant Man would insist on taking care of all the plants, which represents a clear overstepping of his mark, a breaching of boundaries. Simply not acceptable. Not only that, I reckon he'd take to growing all sorts of wild orchids and poison ivies in your house, and just what will that do to your cats and dogs if they nibble on them?! I think you'll need to leave this guy out in the wild, where he does most of his good.
Verdict: REJECT
Tomahawk Man (MRN-046)
Mega Man 6 plays host to Robot Master designs from around the world, but much of this comes laden with sensibilities from the 1990s. As such, I do a little bit of digging around online to make sure that there are no massive design controversies dogging any of these guys. I suppose they still re-release Mega Man 6 on modern consoles, meaning we should be safe here - though I suspect the case might be a bit different if Tomahawk Man had been called Redskin Man instead. All that being said, I still wouldn't think Tomahawk Man is a very good choice for a partner, no matter what his name is. In the first place, he was built strictly to be a fighting, war robot. Not someone you'll be sharing many quiet nights in with, then. Also, he makes his home in the old American west, and I know that if there's one thing that turns women off in a hurry, it's western movies that go on for 7 hours. Like a helicopter or a submarine, Tomahawk Man's got a droolingly cool design, but only boys will fully appreciate that.
Verdict: REJECT
Wind Man (MRN-047)
I hardly think you're looking for a man who spends all day creating wind. Before you know it, you'll have regressed into that terribly sedentary lifestyle, as you both watch the television for hours on end every night, eating bad food and farting on each other every few minutes. He does have some cool facets to his design - having large wind-turbines on each shoulder means he can keep you plenty cool, although that'll probably just ruin your hair instead. In a pinch, I guess you could use him as a mode of transport. But then, just when it looks like Wind Man could be clawing back some points, he goes and ruins it all by saying, and I'm quoting him directly here: "I know Kung Fu." Whenever you start hearing some out-of-shape loser claim that they know martial arts, you might as well just walk away. Next they'll be telling you about all the arguments they've won over the internet.
Verdict: REJECT
Yamato Man (MRN-048)
Well, for a start, none of us really knew what Yamato meant when we played Mega Man 6. It turns out that the word roughly translates to the ‘spirit of Japan’. You know what that means, don't you? Well, it could mean a million things really, Japan's got a cultural footprint bigger than almost any other country, a footprint even bigger than the ones Godzilla leaves behind. But, if you're a Japanophile like my missus, then it means cherry blossoms, kimonos, mochi cake and ramen - all big, big hits. Yamato Man does call to mind a samurai warrior moreso, which means that you better not beat him at Monopoly too often, or he might commit seppuku out of shame. But these slight cultural differences aside, Yamato Man is the slice of Japan you've been waiting for in your life. And everyone must visit that country at least once before they die. He just about beats Knight Man for the title of Mega Man 6’s Hottest Bachelor.
Verdict: PASS - HOTTEST BACHELOR!
To Be Continued!