The Mega Man Bachelors (Part 7)
The following Robo-Bachelors may have a bit of an unfair advantage over the 48 we’ve looked at in previous installments: they’re all backed by new and improved Super Nintendo power. What, that doesn’t mean anything to you? You don’t judge everything by looks alone? Oh, right.
Well, if you’re happy to give everyone a level playing field, then so am I. In which case, we look at the Robot Masters from Mega Man 7, see if we can’t find you a proper man. Though, given you’ve rejected 48 up to this point, I can admit it to you - like Capcom themselves, I am starting to run out of inspiration here.
Freeze Man (DWN-049)
This isn't to call you out specifically, but when we guys hear you girls say things like, "ugh, I hate him, he's so cocky", we panic. We panic because when we hear that, we know that you're gonna be playing tonsil-hockey with him no more than 10 minutes later, and we'll inadvertently find out about it in some cruel way. Freeze Man is that cocky guy, the type of guy we men wish we could be whenever we're down on our dating luck and are told to 'just be confident'. We'll go out, put ourselves out there and try to be as cocky and arrogant as we like, but we never truly believe it, and we just end up looking ridiculous next to Freeze Man - especially when he throws out a few taunting gestures, as he loves to do. What else could a guy called Freeze Man be, other than impossibly cool? Cool as the other side of the pillow, in fact. Go on, go out with Freeze Man if you want. It’s OK. I’ll get over it. You guys have my reluctant blessing.
Verdict: PASS
Junk Man (DWN-050)
If he’d been called Meat & Two Veg Man, I could have maybe spared this guy’s blushes, and insinuated that he was so named based on what he’s packing down there. But no, Junk Man is quite literally a trash-swimming robot. Just how bad is he gonna smell? And his special weapon just summons more garbage to envelop you in a shield… my God. It’s a pity, because he’s a pretty big guy, with an excellent jawline. There could be something of Buzz Lightyear in him. But Junk Man hasn’t looked after his gifts, and as a result his whole body is cobbled together from whatever rubbish he could salvage. I imagine, for income, he just buys loads of tat and tries to sell it on to other hoarders. This means he’ll have your house full of junk as well, and you simply can’t be having that.
Verdict: REJECT
Burst Man (DWN-051)
It took me a while to really figure out what Burst Man was all about. As far as I can gather, he's a kind of bubblebath guy who bursts off big bubbles, with explosive results. As such, the closest real-life comparison I can draw is that he's essentially a walking bath-bomb. And while I know precious few facts about women, I do know that you all go gaga for bath-bombs. To go out with Burst Man, you do have to be ready for a bit of chaos and disorder - he simply loves to set off bombs, which means there's going to be a whole load of water spilled all over your bathroom floor whenever you bathe together. If you're able to laugh that off, you'll have a fruitful, effervescent relationship with Burst Man, who'll fill you with so much joy that - yes - you'll be fit to burst.
Verdict: PASS
Cloud Man (DWN-052)
As it happens, I’m a bit of a cloud man myself. This is, I’ve worked in cloud computing before. No, I didn’t get in at the ground floor and make millions. No, I don’t know what a subnet is. No, this piece isn’t about me vying for your affections. It’s about Cloud Man, who really does have the power to make it rain. Or, more typically, he throws out bolts of lightning like it’s nothing. Now it’s difficult to generalise and say that any one specific thing is true of all women. But in my experience, you all love a bit of low, rumbly thunder, especially on a rainy, lazy day. Cloud Man can make this happen on command, and he looks like a big fluffy fella to cuddle with as well. And in the end, it always comes down to the quality of the cuddles.
Verdict: PASS
Spring Man (DWN-053)
Perhaps you’re the type of woman who is into unavailable men, but you’d probably want to wise up if Spring Man comes calling - any attempt you make to get close to him will just see you getting bounced away, as he jumps off somewhere else. Presumably you want a man who’s upright, sturdy and dependable. Not somebody who’s shaky, flaky and wobbly. You and Spring Man won’t be able to go for walks together, he’ll be bouncing and jumping all around the place. And you’d better forget about wearing high-heels - not unless they’re high-impact heels. He’ll take your hand, bound and leap into the sky like a coiled spring, and you’ll come down and land like a sack of potatoes. You wouldn’t just be blindly attracted to a very tall, unavailable man who plays by his own rules, would you? Ah, on second thought, please don’t answer that. I don’t think my spirit could take it.
Verdict: REJECT
Slash Man (DWN-054)
Here’s a man of the wilds, well-accustomed to the great outdoors. Feral, almost. You could perhaps entertain the idea of a Tarzan and Jane situation with Slash Man; you could civilise him, teach him some speech and table manners, and in return he’ll keep you safe from any interlopers, especially if doomsday arrives and we all revert to the wild. There’ll be no better man for building a shelter, foraging for supplies, setting traps, tussling with wild animals, and generally being the most practical and resourceful of all Robot Masters until Crocodile Dundee Man arrives. But don’t think Slash Man only works in the post-apocalyptic or wildlands scenario - he’d be manly and rugged in all instances, all walks of life. Slash Man is the type of guy who comes home, takes off his robo-shirt and drinks a pint of milk, or oil if it’s a Friday evening, and lets some of it drip down onto his bare chest. And no woman, no matter how comfortable or pampered or prim they may be, can resist that sight. Everyone likes a bit of rough every now and again.
Verdict: PASS
Shade Man (DWN-055)
I’m awfully glad I was just a bit too old for the whole Twilight craze, though it seems to be a universal truth that, for at least some part of their lives, girls will be into vampires. Speaking for myself, I’m more into the idea of having my blood, spirit and soul sucked out of me by some raven-haired succubus from beyond this realm. But the concept remains the same, really - by definition, supernatural, out-of-this-dimension sex would have to be better than normal, humdrum, down-to-earth sex. This is why a Robot Master like Shade Man always has appeal. He’s a master in more ways than one, let’s just say. And when he invites you to his castle, all charming and gentlemanly, you’re already tingling because you know that this is all just preamble, foreplay, before he breathes on your pale neck, kisses it, then slowly and firmly sinks his teeth in. You’re biting your lip as he’s biting your erogenous zone. You could almost buckle and fall to your knees in front of Shade Man, as you recognise the incredibly arousing fact that you now belong to him. It ought to go without saying that this is Mega Man 7’s Hottest Bachelor. And thanks to Shade Man’s eternal youth, he’ll probably retain that title for the next thousand years.
Verdict: PASS - HOTTEST BACHELOR!
Turbo Man (DWN-056)
Now we’re talking. It took me a long time to finally concede that, actually, not all of you ladies like being driven around at 150MPH and being subjected to breath-taking handbrake turns. I didn’t want to admit this, because it removes a significant string from my own bow. Without handbrakers, I don’t have much to offer. But here’s one thing I hope we can both agree on; the allure of a super-charged, fast sportscar is very difficult to resist. In Turbo Man, you’re getting a high-octane man and a muscular car, all in one. He’ll take you wherever you wanna go, in style. The only possible downside I can see is that he may cost you a fortune to run. But that’s all worth it for the fastest Robot Master alive. This guy leaves Quick Man in his dust. If not for Shade Man owning a castle, this guy might have taken the Hottest Bachelor title for Mega Man 7. Either way, the game overall offers one hell of a competitive field.
Verdict: PASS
To Be Continued!