The Mega Man Bachelors (Part 8)
Alright, a little bit of girl math for you here: if the Mega Man series had reached its eighth installment on the PlayStation 1, and we are currently in the days of the PlayStation 5, then we must have about 40 mainline Mega Man games, meaning about 320 eligible Robot Master bachelors, right?
Actually, not. Once Mega Man 8 came out, that was it for the mainline Mega Man series for over 10 years. Ten years doesn’t even seem like that long anymore, but it was eons back then. I’m not building up these next eight guys very well, am I? I’m essentially telling you that these men were partially responsible for the entire series going dormant. Luckily, you’re a smart lady, and you can judge these characters for yourself.
Tengu Man (DWN-057)
We’ll probably have to start by covering what a tengu is. Well, in truth, I’m still a bit confused about them myself. They are Japanese mythological goblins, I do know that. But there seems to be confusion about whether they’re good or evil; whether they’re magical or merely physically powerful; whether they’re intelligent, or easily fooled. What I do know is that they’re beetroot red, they have massive noses and they look extremely angry. You’d recognise one if you saw one, I’m sure. It’s even an emoji on your phone. And dating a supernatural being does sound appealing on paper. But go back to that description I gave above. The anger, the nose, the redness. Makes Tengu Man sound like an angry ould grandfather, doesn’t it? In the two Mega Man games he appears in, he does seem younger and more dynamic that a grandfather. But you’re still going out with an angry goblin essentially, which isn’t much of a draw. Even if he does live in the picturesque heights of Mount Fuji.
Verdict: REJECT
Astro Man (DWN-058)
I don’t know about you, if you’ve ever lived with a partner. But me and my wife are forever frightening the bejeebus out of each other as we encounter one another around the house. It got so that we had to whistle out to one another to advertise our presence, as if we were dogs. I somehow doubt Astro Man knows how to whistle; instead, you’ll be at home with your headphones on, jamming to some music, happy on your lonesome. Then suddenly this enormous space snowman will float in, with his little satellites bouncing around, loudly talking about some astral projections in his spacey robo-voice. You’ll jump a mile out of your skin - your heart may actually stop. I reckon Astro Man is a well-meaning guy who just wants to, I don’t know, plot efficient routes through intergalactic star systems or something. But ultimately, I imagine his social skills and people skills are just a bit too lacking.
Verdict: REJECT
Sword Man (DWN-059)
If he was a modern-day sword-user, we both know that it’d be an automatic rejection. You immediately get this image of the fedora-wearing neckbeard who “studied the blade”, and fantasizes about cutting his bullies down to size with his katana. None of that for Sword Man - to paraphrase Pulp Fiction, he’s the type of guy who’s gonna get medieval on someone’s ass. It helps that only one of his arms is a sword; he is not literally made of sword, like Mega Man 10’s Blade Man. Better than that, and apropos of nothing, the designers made the awesome choice of adding flame capabilities to his sword. Stoic, strong, silent, and a strapping man all round, Sword Man is a sterling choice. Better than that, in a fairly poor crop of Robot Masters, Sword Man fairly easily walks to the title of Mega Man 8’s Hottest Bachelor.
Verdict: PASS - HOTTEST BACHELOR!
Clown Man (DWN-060)
I probably don’t even need to say much to set the stage for Clown Man. You will have dealt with this guy’s type before, just one of the many clownish men who have very clumsily approached you in public, or sent some sort of boy-humour-laden message to you online. It’s a common fact that you women mature a lot faster than we men, who never really mature at all. The last thing you want in a potential suitor, therefore, is clownish, silly behaviour, which is often a mask for almost zero emotional depth. If he was called Funny Man, and was a straight-up laugh-riot man, a proper comedian, or even a former class clown with a dark and troubled past, that’s a person who could be worth getting to know. I could actually recommend them to you; any man who can put smiles on your face is a winner. But Clown Man throws a pie in the face of genuine interest, sprays water at the idea of an intimate relationship, and makes silly balloon animals of your hopes and aspirations. Introduce this chap to your little brother instead, or better yet, your ex-boyfriend - no doubt they’ll have many things in common.
Verdict: REJECT
Search Man (DWN-061)
The first two-headed Robot Master ever created. Or should I say, the first two-faced one? We already had a set of twin brothers in Mega Man 3’s Gemini Man. You could possibly play the two Search Man heads off each other, at least for a while. Search Man, or Search Men, is more like a pair of conjoined twins who finish each other’s sentences. They also seem to have an army motif going on, if you’re into that. I don’t think they’re true army; there’s probably something in the Geneva Convention against your soldiers having two heads. But they’re certainly good at hiding in a bush and waiting to jump out at you. I’m sure you’ve fallen victim to borderline-terrifying public attempts from men asking you out on a date. Well, imagine two twin guys wearing jungle camo jumping out of the alley towards you, both talking at the same time? I get the distinct and unfortunate feeling that Search Man would be experts at hiding bodies as well. For God’s sake, leave these weirdos well alone.
Verdict: REJECT
Frost Man (DWN-062)
Barring a few transformations in Mega Man 11, I reckon Frost Man is the largest Robot Master we’ve ever had. Make no mistake, this big boy is large and very much in charge. See, it’s a funny thing - if he was just moderately overweight, it’s possible he’d struggle to find someone. But because he’s ginormous, he suddenly becomes a bit of a character, a bit infamous. He gets an ironic nickname like “Tiny”. You suddenly want to be seen with him. And there’s no flab on this Robot Master either, oh no. He’s all muscle and drive, a real powerhouse. There’s probably not a single Robot Master, or for that matter a single boxer, MMA fighter or even WWE wrestler, who would seriously want to take Frost Man on. You could be the Hayden Panettiere to his Wladimir Klitschko, or he could be the Shaq to your… whoever Shaq is going out with right now. A slight pity that Frost Man has a frosty demeanour though, and I mean that literally - it’ll cost you a fortune in AC to keep him cool. To be held delicately in those massive arms, though? Worth it.
Verdict: PASS
Grenade Man (DWN-063)
I’m probably about 15 years out of date on this one, as per usual. But I understand ‘grenade’ to mean an unattractive person, often found on the dancefloor in da club. That’s bad enough, but Grenade Man falls into a very specific archetype that I’m sure you’ve dealt with before: the obnoxious loudmouth, but not the usual kind. This is the kind of incredibly loud, abrasive guy who runs around like a headless chicken, and laughs after making some crude jokes and references to women that would be almost too stupid for a hormone-ridden teenager. That laugh of his will be absolutely beyond parody, by the way. We’re just talking about a boorish, mouthy oaf with not an ounce of decorum. Someone who comes in tow with your actual boyfriend, a friend that he never managed to get rid of. And you’d love to tell your man to drop this fool, but you don’t want to appear too controlling. Well, all of that is Grenade Man, to a tee. Bloody dangerous when he explodes as well.
Verdict: REJECT
Aqua Man (DWN-064)
The last Robot Master in Mega Man 8 is possibly the most normal of the lot, alongside Sword Man. It’s a game full of nutcases really, and when stacked up against that lot, someone like Aqua Man might initially seem rather boring. But isn’t that exactly what you’d want? You’ve already gone out with fools and nutters - it’s time to choose someone grounded and mature. Plus, if you’ve really cashed your cheque around your area, you could always give it all up and go live under the sea with Aqua Man instead. He shares his name with a non-entity of a superhero, it’s true. But hey, again, at least he doesn’t have the same name as your ex. Give Aqua Man a chance, if for no other reason than that he’s nothing like your ex-boyfriends.
Verdict: PASS
To Be Continued!