The Mega Man Bachelors (Part 9)
It has been said that men age better than women, but when Mega Man 9 came out in the year 2008, with 8-bit graphics reminiscent of the old NES days, I started to fear for old Mega Man. Suddenly the blue boy, so good looking in his youthful days, suddenly he looked dated, old, haggard. The game itself was hard as nails as well, which didn’t earn my admiration.
But maybe some of the Robot Masters of Mega Man 9 will win your approval? Hey, if nothing else, I’m not presenting you with eight no-hoper men this time around. This time, it’s seven no-hopers and a woman. How’s that for bringing Mega Man into the 21st century?
Concrete Man (DLN-065)
Healthy relationships feature a manageable amount of conflict and arguing, which should then give way to forgiveness. And there is nothing in the world less forgiving than concrete. Believe me, I’ve fallen on it enough times. I’ve gotten all sorts of scrapes, bumps and bruises from it. It’s especially unkind when you’re blind drunk and you go on your ass. Is this the kind of man you want when you’re feeling down? I can’t deny that I like his name and personality. But there’s something rather sinister about him; you get the feeling he’d be vaguely criminal, no stranger to encasing foes and fools alike in concrete, or perhaps giving them a pair of one-size-fits-all concrete shoes and a trip to the local river. Be Concrete Man’s moll if you like, but don’t come crying to me when he hits you with some cold, harsh realities. Try and bag yourself a soft-landing instead.
Verdict: REJECT
Tornado Man (DLN-066)
We had our first tornado in Ireland recently. And before you hit me with the old joke of it causing €5 worth of damages… actually, wait, it probably did. It was a teensy tiny tornado. My missus, who’s been from Texas to Ohio and back again, just laughed at its puniness. Then she showed me footage of some proper American tornadoes, and my God. Talk about bad hair days. It’s actually true what you see in cartoons, you know. Cows and outhouses and trees all get sucked up in its wake, thanks to its awesome destructive power. And then you get Tornado Man, who can unleash these things at will, as his party trick? Just stop. Stop the lights, right now. He’s probably a perfectly nice chap under it all. Just a little bit prone to blowing your whole neighbourhood away, every so often.
Verdict: REJECT
Splash Woman (DLN-067)
Look, there’s no shame in my game - if you wish to experiment for your next relationship, then you go right ahead. I’ll actively encourage it. In fact, I won’t even insult you and Splash Woman by asking for photos or videos. What I will advise you to do is to watch out a little bit, and make sure you know what you really want, because Splash Woman is a song-singing siren of the sea. This means she’s pulled many better people than you and I into the depths of a watery grave. So long as you can handle a strong, independent, beautiful woman, I bet you’ll find that you get along far better with Splash Woman, the only female Robot Master of the whole series, than any of the other 80-odd excuses for men you’ll find in the Mega Man games. Splash Woman represents a taste that you and every other heterosexual on the planet should sample at least once in their lives.
Verdict: PASS
Plug Man (DLN-068)
Is there anything worse than standing on an upturned plug? Contracting a nasty disease, I suppose, but I’m just talking about first-world problems here. If stepping on a plug wasn’t bad enough, he’s also got a pronged, pointed hand as well, which is just great. I’m not sure you could even touch Plug Man without getting a harsh electric shock. We all have too many plugs in our lives anyway, and electric bills are already through the roof without this guy jacking in to your grid and siphoning your power. Looks like he has a North American plug anyway, meaning you European ladies out there will be incompatible with Plug Man in every sense of the word.
Verdict: REJECT
Jewel Man (DLN-069)
Here’s a man who doesn’t mess around. A lot of you women seem to get glazed eyes whenever a large diamond ring is produced, your pupils dilating like cats being attracted to shiny things. Now don’t get all bolshy with me, I know this for a fact - I’ve been shopping for engagement rings. Jewel Man won’t make you wait out the best years of your life before proposing, and when he does, it’ll be the biggest rock you’ve ever seen in your life. If two-timing isn’t below you, you could combine Jewel Man’s rocks with Ring Man’s bands and make some pretty fabulous jewellery for yourself. As you can see, Jewel Man has a preference - he’s a ruby man. But you want diamond instead? You got it. Jewel Man, as a result, may be the richest of all Robot Masters. But a big bank balance and a diamond necklace wouldn’t factor into your dating decision, now would it?
Verdict: PASS - HOTTEST BACHELOR!
Hornet Man (DLN-070)
I really am in two minds about Hornet Man. I’d love to just talk about him as if he was one of those fat honeybees you see in your garden, the ones that only sort of half-fly, and sometimes fall asleep in your plants. Anyone could fall in love with that. But wasps and hornets just seem to be hateful instruments of destruction - I know I always panic and run when I see one. And I thought the males didn’t really have stingers, but there’s a big walloper of a stinger on top of Hornet Man’s head there. I don’t know, if you can get Hornet Man to be really dedicated to you, as in he’s willing to give his life for you and cater to your every whim, like all drones do for their queen, then you might have something. But do you really want that kind of co-dependency in a relationship? I’ve made up my mind, or rather the hivemind has decided for me - it’s a firm no. Tell him to buzz off.
Verdict: REJECT
Magma Man (DLN-071)
It’ll be tough to even hold hands with Magma Man. It’d be like burning your hands in the oven, but a thousand times worse. Not to mention this geezer is prone to blowing his top and erupting in the most violent way, every so often. If you can deal with those things though, then you’ve got one of the warmest partners imaginable to keep you cosy at night. Being a man of the underground, he fears no worldly terrors. And if ever the world ends, if you just fancy going off the grid, you could go live in a cave with him. That cave may be a Minecraft-style cave, where you burrow too far down into the ground and suddenly there’s spiders and zombies on you. But hey, at least Magma Man can keep you safe with his dual cannons. Do try to keep him calm and relaxed though, won’t you? If he blows off too much steam, the resultant ash cloud will envelope all of Europe, like that Icelandic volcano. We won’t be able to travel anywhere, and people will want to have harsh words with the two of you.
Verdict: PASS
Galaxy Man (DLN-072)
He seems like a cool dude, even though physically he seems to be a bit scrawny. With his sleek metallic design and flying saucer head, he wouldn’t be too out of place in Disney-Pixar’s WALL-E. And that was kind of a love story, wasn’t it? Truthfully, the bit that I remember most about WALL-E was the presence of the very fat and lazy humans at the end, who could do nothing for themselves and relied on the robots to do their bidding. I loved the idea and envied those humans greatly, but everyone else said I missed the point and that I was mad. Well, either way, if Galaxy Man is the kind of robo-companion who will gladly do everything for you, and this appeals to you as much as it does me, then I say pick him. If, on the other hand, you have a bit of independence, self-respect and pride - those devilish inhibitors - then I guess it’s a no.
Verdict: JURY’S OUT
To Be Continued!