Why Xenoblade Chronicles is an even bigger commitment than crypto trading
Xenoblade Chronicles (2011)
Xenoblade Chronicles (2011)
So it's another up-down, will-it-won't-it ride on the Bitcoin rollercoaster lately, or whatever other cryptocurrency you're having yourself. And for us losers unwilling to speculate, it's another hard luck story.
I could have sold one or two of them there Bitcoins, whatever they are. If I'd only been a few years older, or a bit more willing to transfer money into dubious accounts, or if only my old laptop didn’t lag so terribly. I could have made millions off them. Yeah, sure, as if I wouldn't have soiled myself at the prospect of doubling my money to a mere eighty quid.
It all comes down to knowing how things are gonna pan out, doesn't it? You could have been asked to put twenty dollars into Microsoft in the very earliest days, but thought it was a waste of of a score. Or you might have thrown your money into Boo.com and been left with your head in your hands - or a gun in your hands, even.
I suppose the problem here is that there simply weren't enough DeLoreans manufactured back then for everyone to enjoy travelling through time and getting the best stock tips early. No, unfortunately, most of us mere mortals have to be good little boys and girls and submit to the passage of time instead, which is as dreadfully slow and unprofitable as you can get.
But there are sleeker ways to time travel, you know. You don't need to borrow a DeLorean from a vaguely criminal, definitely dodgy, Northern Irish dead cert for bankruptcy - you can use the Monado instead. If the word Monado seems unfamiliar, it’s a red-shelled, lightsaber type of sword weapon that'll be introduced to you within the first ten minutes of Xenoblade Chronicles.
If it still seems unfamiliar to you, then don’t worry. The Monado will be mentioned during this game and referenced thereafter, oh, about nine million times, just to make sure you get it. The game's protagonist, Shulk, who incidentally looks quite good in his underwear, wields the Monado. As a result, he’s haunted by all sorts of grim and grisly visions of the future.
Sounds good, knowing what lies ahead. But I’m afraid there ain't no stock markets or cryptocurrencies on Bionis, the biological living being that you spend most of the game on, which acts as yin to the other, robotic half of the world, the yang of Mechonis. Anyway I won't throw any more proper nouns at you at this point, because you won’t need to remember any of them - except for maybe Dogecoin, or some other memecoin that might one day make insufferable internet teenagers rich.
We’ll move on swiftly, because there's an awful lot of meat and bones in Xenoblade Chronicles to get through. No kidding, this is one of the most expansive games out there. And as you get older and creakier like me, and this is a very unfortunate fact of life, games that advertise themselves as being 80- or 100-hour adventures simply doesn't register anymore.
No, if anything, these kinds of promises put you off. It might sound great, like making love all night, but do you really have the stamina anymore? You already have a full-time job and some children holding you back from your gaming ambitions, for God's sake. Another massive commitment will only mean that your dog gets less and less walkies, and he won't like that one bit.
Or of course, you could innovate - the original Xenoblade is available portably now, in a variety of ways actually, although the obvious advice to you would be to pick up the Switch version. There was a 3DS version, but it needs to be played on one of the later of the million 3DS models, the New Nintendo 3DS Lite or whatever.
We’re back in proper noun territory unfortunately, but the point here is that you shouldn’t get the 3DS version, because even with better hardware, the game still looks like someone's poured stock granules and rainbow sprinkles all over the screen, so sod that. Pick up the Wii version if you find it, because it will probably only go up in price - a little stocks and futures tip for you there. If you’re a normal person though, just get the Switch version while you can and sink your teeth in from there.
But bloody hell, it's easy to burn out on this game. There's hundreds of quests in the massive world of Xenoblade, and if you're gonna go on the hunt for 100%, then your playtime really will get into three figures.
This is exactly the type of hardcore, lengthy, I might even say epic adventure that the Wii was crying out for back in the day; unfortunately a little too late in the day as it turned out. But you know what they say about true art, and artists like you and I - we may not be fully appreciated in this lifetime, right?
I'd appreciate it if the characters in battle would stop screaming the same five voiced lines at the top of their lungs, in every single one of the million battles you'll partake in, firstly because the repetition gets a bit annoying but also because it really becomes sensory overload.
There are so many meters and tutorials and dashes and dials and windows popping up that your head will start spinning. But at the heart of it, it's still an RPG, which means it’s still about making sure your numbers are better than the opponents.
You won't be getting your numbers up through your common and garden grinding though, no sir. This is where your quests and such will come in. You can just let the battles be automatically controlled anyway, although it's much more fun joining in - otherwise you'd be left with a Final Fantasy 12 scenario. You leave your guys out there on their own, and they'll fare about as well as the life savings you threw into Yahoo or Tumblr, where their line graph went into such a spiral it almost went backwards.
It really is what you'd eloquently have to call a proper lush game, with some pretty memorable moments - sorry to slap you with some more proper nouns which'll mean absolutely nowt to people with no knowledge of the game, but you won't forget stepping out onto the vast expanses of Gaur Plains for the first time as the music kicks in. Or how about seeing Satorl Marsh in all its majesty at nighttime?
Even on the original Wii version, this was a beautiful game, so much so that the Switch Definitive Edition didn't do a huge amount to improve upon it, really. Of course, the music is different class as well, with many of the game’s nighttime themes in particular finding a home on several relaxing game music playlists on YouTube - there’s no finer homework motivator out there.
You might think you can just dip your toes into cryptocurrency, or any kind of wealth speculation from that matter. But seasoned capitalists know that, if you want to trample all over the working classes, you've got to dedicate yourself full time to the endeavour.
It's the same with Xenoblade Chronicles - playing the odd half-hour here and there isn't going to get you anywhere. What's the matter with you, won't you back yourself? You've got to give it full commitment if you’re gonna see a return.
Indeed, Xenoblade is the type of game that you'll be throwing entire days into, consulting several guides, combatting an ever-increasing to-do list, so much so that it eventually becomes one of those games that makes you take stock of your life, as you wonder if you wouldn't be better off self-improving instead.
Go out there and get yourself a lover instead. Otherwise you could risk emerging from your bedroom months later, white as a sheet, with flies permanently stuck to your sunken eyeballs that have been blinded by five screens for months. You will have missed the whole summer.
But even worse than that, you'll have missed the rush on BurkeyCoin, which offers absolutely no security, cannot be transferred, and will forever be worth sweet Fanny Adams. But it'll look great in your wallet, just like Xenoblade Chronicles would look great in any gaming collection.
7 November 2023